GALATIANS 4

8 Before you Gentiles knew God, you were slaves to so-called gods that do not even exist. 9 So now that you know God (or should I say, now that God knows you), why do you want to go back again and become slaves once more to the weak and useless spiritual principles of this world? 10 You are trying to earn favor with God by observing certain days or months or seasons or years. 11 I fear for you. Perhaps all my hard work with you was for nothing. 12 Dear brothers and sisters,[f] I plead with you to live as I do in freedom from these things, for I have become like you Gentiles—free from those laws.
You did not mistreat me when I first preached to you. 13 Surely you remember that I was sick when I first brought you the Good News. 14 But even though my condition tempted you to reject me, you did not despise me or turn me away. No, you took me in and cared for me as though I were an angel from God or even Christ Jesus himself. 15 Where is that joyful and grateful spirit you felt then? I am sure you would have taken out your own eyes and given them to me if it had been possible. 16 Have I now become your enemy because I am telling you the truth?

17 Those false teachers are so eager to win your favor, but their intentions are not good. They are trying to shut you off from me so that you will pay attention only to them. 18 If someone is eager to do good things for you, that’s all right; but let them do it all the time, not just when I’m with you.

19 Oh, my dear children! I feel as if I’m going through labor pains for you again, and they will continue until Christ is fully developed in your lives. 20 I wish I were with you right now so I could change my tone. But at this distance I don’t know how else to help you.

Abraham’s Two Children

21 Tell me, you who want to live under the law, do you know what the law actually says? 22 The Scriptures say that Abraham had two sons, one from his slave wife and one from his freeborn wife.[g] 23 The son of the slave wife was born in a human attempt to bring about the fulfillment of God’s promise. But the son of the freeborn wife was born as God’s own fulfillment of his promise.
24 These two women serve as an illustration of God’s two covenants. The first woman, Hagar, represents Mount Sinai where people received the law that enslaved them. 25 And now Jerusalem is just like Mount Sinai in Arabia,[h] because she and her children live in slavery to the law. 26 But the other woman, Sarah, represents the heavenly Jerusalem. She is the free woman, and she is our mother. 27 As Isaiah said,

“Rejoice, O childless woman,
you who have never given birth!
Break into a joyful shout,
you who have never been in labor!
For the desolate woman now has more children
than the woman who lives with her husband!”[i]

28 And you, dear brothers and sisters, are children of the promise, just like Isaac. 29 But you are now being persecuted by those who want you to keep the law, just as Ishmael, the child born by human effort, persecuted Isaac, the child born by the power of the Spirit.

30 But what do the Scriptures say about that? “Get rid of the slave and her son, for the son of the slave woman will not share the inheritance with the free woman’s son.”[j] 31 So, dear brothers and sisters, we are not children of the slave woman; we are children of the free woman.

Sweet Holy Eraser

I was sitting at Global River this morning and I had this thought running through my head... Or maybe it was more like multiple swirls of thoughts trying to lay siege on my sanity. You know, those thoughts that run through your head and try and remind you of all the regret, and all the things that if you had done "this better" or "that differently" that your life would be different. And this swirl just starts to drive me crazy. Its that accusing spirit.. I guess thats why satan is called "the accuser of the brethren." He walks around accusing us all day long, seeking whom he may devour. He's always trying to get access through our thought life. Always trying to get us to speak death instead of life over ourselves. Constantly reminding us of our inadequecies. but this morning as I was beginning to fall in to this thought pattern, I all of a sudden saw myself in a white room with white garments. Its a picture I have been getting from time to time lately. Then I saw a picture of this timeline of my past and I saw Jesus take this big pink eraser and literally erase my past. He said to me, do you really believe that when you come to me you are truly forgiven, and do you really believe that I DO NOT SEE IT. This should be such basic stuff I guess, but I think I thought I was carrying around so many tally marks on the "Oh crap I blew it" side of life that He must be looking at me as a failure. Not only did I realize that it has nothing to do with my current performance, but that my past is covered under the blood no matter what any man thinks. And if this is true, then that changes everything. Check this out:

Philippians 3

No Confidence in the Flesh

1Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you.
2Watch out for those dogs, those men who do evil, those mutilators of the flesh. 3For it is we who are the circumcision, we who worship by the Spirit of God, who glory in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh— 4though I myself have reasons for such confidence.
If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

This is really good stuff. Its so easy to fall in to the mindset that when we are doing well that God looks at us differently. And it causes shame when we are doing lousy because we want to clean ourselves up and then come to Him.. That whole "God helps those that help themselves." Well that line is a bunch of bullshit. God helps those that stop helping themselves, and learn to wait upon Him and THEN their strength will be renewed. Its something to think about.

Life

Many times I have attempted to write something in this thing over the last 2 months of my life. Every time I write something I decide that I don't like it and end up erasing it and go on my merry way. So hopefully I can present you something of substance this time.
I moved a little over 2 months ago from Ft. Mill to Wilmington. I am living in a townhouse with my friends Sue and Meghan exactly 3.7 miles from Wrightsville Beach. It is only within the last 5 days that I have realized how thankful I am to have that beautiful body of water nearby. We live approximately 4 miles down the road from the Carr's house which is where most life activity is usually happening. We do most of our grazing, praying, hanging and general life there. We usually make bi-weekly trips to Costco for very berry sundaes (Meghan and I) and I have frequented almost every empty parking lot in Wilmington at some point over the last month in attempts to deal with my independant runaway tendencies. Every comfort zone is slowly but surely being pulled from my lifeless grip. This is quite the process that I am going through. Severe mercy. It's beautiful because I can now see the objective, which is me dead, and the life of God alive and working in me. It is a beautiful exchange, but it still requires me dead, so the dying process is well... exactly that.
At the moment I am living on a quickly depleting savings account, and lots of ups and downs. (It is worth it.) Some days I'm like Dear God what the heck am I doing? And then I have nights like tonight where I realize that gold is refined in the fire, and the fire is what purifies us, and brings us back to the place where God created us to be. I am so incredibly thankful tonight for so many reasons. The Holy Spirit is freeing me, beginning to breathe on my life in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time, maybe ever. I am so very thankful for Covenant. So thankful to have a dad. It is worth it.

Well, I just suck at updating this blog lately.. I am just SO DANG sorry! :) Welllll hellllo everyone... I am currently laying in bed recovering from bad Italian food from work last night. Yes, you guessed it. Food poisoning! There is nothing like broccoli and hummus the second time around. UGH! But things are good. Life is good. There is movement, hope, faith, love.. all the good and important and fulfilling stuff.
So I don't know that I've actually said this in my blog, but I AM MOVING! Wow, there it is. I am moving to Wilmington, NC October 1 (Lord willing) with no job, no house (yet) and complete peace that it is GOOD and right. That doesn't make the trust factor easy most days, but hey, trust is really a 4 letter word (RISK) So now all of us girls are waiting for the most gracious perfect timing Jesus to give us the right house, which I am completely confident that He will do. As for what everything will look like logistically, I have no flipping idea... so I'll keep you all posted.
Other than getting ready to move, I am trying to spend my time reading the word a lot, and then working out as much as possible.. more for the "holy crap i'm really going to do this" moments then for the physical benefits.. Those endorphins do wonders for the emotional state of being.
Well, I am more goofy and random than deep and insightful tonight... Should have caught me this morning.. deep as the ocean! Well anyway, goodnight everybody, talk to you soon!

SHITTY DAY!

Well, all I have to say is that today was AWFUL! It was discouraging, disheartening.... you fill in the blank! I have no idea how I made it through the day without a cigarette. This is by no means my grand declaration of throwing in the towel, by the way. I just figured I'd rather not live my life as a liar, and if I am going to share in the joys of my life in this blog, I am going to be honest about the downs too. I think the best way I could describe the day was every single familiar spirit you could name was pounding on my door, trying to take me away. Right now, I just need to go to sleep and trust that new mercies will wash over me in the morning.

OMAHA

I am worn out from work, in a daze, and really need a back rub. Too many nights at Omaha can really take it out of you. I have only had one night off in the last 2 weeks. A 4 day serving week at work is pretty much the equivalent of a full time work week, so when you throw in entire weeks at a time, it can run you in to the ground emotionally and physically. ONE more night thank you Jesus. I'm going to sleep.

Dark but (Lovely)?

Today was not my favorite of days. Everything felt just plain overwhelming. Customers bitching at work, etc. etc. etc. But I have this little window of grace right now that is telling me to chose life, to choose to let God take every thought captive. It doesn't come easily to my natural mind, so I am standing in that place of weakness and saying GOD COME! Its easy to see the dark but lovely separately. But its much harder when you feel dark to let God come in and tell you that He calls you lovely anyway, despite what you think you deserve. So heres to being dark, lovely, weak, and an assorted cocktail of other stuff. He will change it all!

Sunday Muddy Sunday

Today I:

~Woke up with great rest from my new pillow
~Decided against showering
~Went to church and made it 2/3 through before leaving (which is miraculous)
~Almost got it confused with a television ad for Urban Outfitters.
~Decided that after the month of July off, that I still don't like to stay past worship.
~Played my guitar and sang for the first time in ages.
~Liked it
~Ate brownies
~Talked to my mom
~Dreamed about moving
~Okay, I'm off to work.

Morning, South Carolina. It has that rainy day kind of feel today. Well, thats all I have to say.... Maybe more later.

Oh my Sweet Carolina

"Oh my Sweet Carolina" (Ryan Adams)

I went down to Houston
And I stopped in San Antone
I passed up the station for the bus
I was trying to find me something
But I wasn't sure just what
Man I ended up with pockets full of dust
So I went on to Cleveland and I ended up insane
I bought a borrowed suit and learned to dance
I was spending money like the way it likes to rain
Man I ended up with pockets full of cane
Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home
I ain't never been to Vegas but I gambled up my life
Building newsprint boats I race to sewer mains
Was trying to find me something but I wasn't sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change
Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home
Up here in the city feels like things are closing in
The sunsets just my light bulb burning out
I miss Kentucky and I miss my family
All the sweetest winds they blow across the south
Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home
May you one day carry me home

FAITH

Hebrews 11 (Amplified Bible)


1NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, [a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].
2For by [faith--[b]trust and holy fervor born of faith] the men of old had divine testimony borne to them and obtained a good report.

3By faith we understand that the worlds [during the successive ages] were framed (fashioned, put in order, and equipped for their intended purpose) by the word of God, so that what we see was not made out of things which are visible.

4[Prompted, actuated] by faith Abel brought God a better and more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, because of which it was testified of him that he was righteous [that he was upright and in right standing with God], and God bore witness by accepting and acknowledging his gifts. And though he died, yet [through the incident] he is still speaking.(A)

5Because of faith Enoch was caught up and transferred to heaven, so that he did not have a glimpse of death; and he was not found, because God had translated him. For even before he was taken to heaven, he received testimony [still on record] that he had pleased and been satisfactory to God.(B)

6But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].

7[Prompted] by faith Noah, being forewarned by God concerning events of which as yet there was no visible sign, took heed and diligently and reverently constructed and prepared an ark for the deliverance of his own family. By this [his faith which relied on God] he passed judgment and sentence on the world's unbelief and became an heir and possessor of righteousness ([c]that relation of being right into which God puts the person who has faith).(C)

8[Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go.

9[Prompted] by faith he dwelt as a temporary resident in the land which was designated in the promise [of God, though he was like a stranger] in a strange country, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs with him of the same promise.(D)

10For he was [waiting expectantly and confidently] looking forward to the city which has fixed and firm foundations, whose Architect and Builder is God.

11Because of faith also Sarah herself received physical power to conceive a child, even when she was long past the age for it, because she considered [God] Who had given her the promise to be reliable and trustworthy and true to His word.(E)

12So from one man, though he was physically as good as dead, there have sprung descendants whose number is as the stars of heaven and as countless as the innumerable sands on the seashore.(F)

13These people all died controlled and sustained by their faith, but not having received the tangible fulfillment of [God's] promises, only having seen it and greeted it from a great distance by faith, and all the while acknowledging and confessing that they were strangers and temporary residents and exiles upon the earth.(G)

14Now those people who talk as they did show plainly that they are in search of a fatherland (their own country).

15If they had been thinking with [homesick] remembrance of that country from which they were emigrants, they would have found constant opportunity to return to it.

16But the truth is that they were yearning for and aspiring to a better and more desirable country, that is, a heavenly [one]. For that reason God is not ashamed to be called their God [even to be surnamed their God--the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob], for He has prepared a city for them.(H)

17By faith Abraham, when he was put to the test [while the testing of his faith was [d]still in progress], [e]had already brought Isaac for an offering; he who had gladly received and welcomed [God's] promises was ready to sacrifice his only son,(I)

18Of whom it was said, Through Isaac shall your descendants be reckoned.(J)

19For he reasoned that God was able to raise [him] up even from among the dead. Indeed in the sense that Isaac was figuratively dead [potentially sacrificed], he did [actually] receive him back from the dead.

20[With eyes of] faith Isaac, looking far into the future, invoked blessings upon Jacob and Esau.(K)

21[Prompted] by faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons and bowed in prayer over the top of his staff.(L)

22[Actuated] by faith Joseph, when nearing the end of his life, referred to [the promise of God for] the departure of the Israelites out of Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his own bones.(M)

23[Prompted] by faith Moses, after his birth, was kept concealed for three months by his parents, because they saw how comely the child was; and they were not overawed and terrified by the king's decree.(N)

24[Aroused] by faith Moses, when he had grown to maturity and [f]become great, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter,(O)

25Because he preferred to share the oppression [suffer the hardships] and bear the shame of the people of God rather than to have the fleeting enjoyment of a sinful life.

26He considered the contempt and abuse and shame [borne for] the Christ (the Messiah Who was to come) to be greater wealth than all the treasures of Egypt, for he looked forward and away to the reward (recompense).

27[Motivated] by faith he left Egypt behind him, being unawed and undismayed by the wrath of the king; for he never flinched but held staunchly to his purpose and endured steadfastly as one who gazed on Him Who is invisible.(P)

28By faith (simple trust and confidence in God) he instituted and carried out the Passover and the sprinkling of the blood [on the doorposts], so that the destroyer of the firstborn (the angel) might not touch those [of the children of Israel].(Q)

29[Urged on] by faith the people crossed the Red Sea as [though] on dry land, but when the Egyptians tried to do the same thing they were swallowed up [by the sea].(R)

30Because of faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encompassed for seven days [by the Israelites].(S)

31[Prompted] by faith Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed along with those who refused to believe and obey, because she had received the spies in peace [without enmity].(T)

32And what shall I say further? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets,(U)

33Who by [the help of] faith subdued kingdoms, administered justice, obtained promised blessings, closed the mouths of lions,(V)

34Extinguished the power of raging fire, escaped the devourings of the sword, out of frailty and weakness won strength and became stalwart, even mighty and resistless in battle, routing alien hosts.(W)

35[Some] women received again their dead by a resurrection. Others were tortured [g]to death with clubs, refusing to accept release [offered on the terms of denying their faith], so that they might be resurrected to a better life. [I Kings 17:17-24; II Kings 4:25-37.]

36Others had to suffer the trial of mocking and scourging and even chains and imprisonment.

37They were stoned to death; they were lured with tempting offers [to renounce their faith]; they were sawn asunder; they were slaughtered by the sword; [while they were alive] they had to go about wrapped in the skins of sheep and goats, utterly destitute, oppressed, cruelly treated--

38[Men] of whom the world was not worthy--roaming over the desolate places and the mountains, and [living] in caves and caverns and holes of the earth.

39And all of these, though they won divine approval by [means of] their faith, did not receive the fulfillment of what was promised,

40Because God had us in mind and had something better and greater in view for us, so that they [these heroes and heroines of faith] should not come to perfection apart from us [before we could join them].

Wilmington in the morning. Oh snap!

Peace

Christ Our Peace (Ephesians 2)

14 For He Himself is our peace, who has made both one, and has broken down the middle wall of separation, 15 having abolished in His flesh the enmity, that is, the law of commandments contained in ordinances, so as to create in Himself one new man from the two, thus making peace, 16 and that He might reconcile them both to God in one body through the cross, thereby putting to death the enmity. 17 And He came and preached peace to you who were afar off and to those who were near. 18 For through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father.

Ephesians 1

Thank you God for sleep! I feel so refreshed.. This is my prayer for everyone who reads this today.. Its from Ephesians 1.

Prayer for Spiritual Wisdom

15 Therefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, 16 do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers: 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, 18 the eyes of your understanding[c] being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power 20 which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in that which is to come.
22 And He put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be head over all things to the church, 23 which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

"No longer listed as single"

I am completely exhausted at the moment. I haven't had quality sleep in almost a week (which is frustrating when everyone you know can hit their head to the pillow and be out) That is definitely 90 percent of my problem at the moment. Lack of sleep puts everything out of proportion for sure. So in my lack of sleep, I came home to have Clint tell me that 3 PEOPLE had come up to HIM and asked why my status had changed on Facebook. I thought that was interesting, seeing as I had purposely set my status to say nothing, and had changed my religious views section. I merely did it because I didn't feel the need to advertise myself online, and just decided to delete it... Well when I did that, it posted on all of my friend status updates that "Tess is no longer listed as single." The thing that drives me absolutely nuts about this, is that all of a sudden people come out of the woodwork to talk about you and what is going on... its like a freaking tabloid sometimes! I just got kind of over it tonight, and think that its becoming way lame to live vicariously through other peoples lives and what they are doing every ten minutes, and what not.. I think it can begin to take the place of genuine deep face to face interaction with people and leave you with an easy way out of having to look someone in the face and have real relationship. So I deactivated my account. If anyone wants to know what's going on in my life, call me and lets go get coffee and we can have a genuine transparent honest interaction. I'm not angry, just being honest and need a little break from FB. Love you all!

July 4 (21) 09-1987

I just love blogging at 3:40 in the morning. What a few days it has been. Raleigh was awesome, more than I expected. (actually I think we were in Durham, but whateva) I had quite the intense day today, that carried over in to the evening. The more I meditate on the word, the more my spirit seems to be getting fed on the only thing that really satisfies. It is kind of crazy, the perspective shift over the last 3 weeks. The question is to continue or not to continue... The payout seems so high that I am very hesitant to stop until the stake is hammered in the ground and the head completely comes off of this thing if you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, it is okay as well... All I can say at the moment is that the head is coming off... The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.. So God, take off the head.... all the way... We don't want partial decapitation with a hanging esophegus somewhere. Ha I'm so weird, and God enjoys it..
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Anyhoo, so today is Independance Day. When I was a little girl, I used to ride on the back of a convertible every year with my grandpa since he was vice mayor. I liked to make the craziest faces possible and wave all of my American flags quite violently for the whole city of Beavercreek. 4th of July will always remind me of my grandpa above all other people in my life. Flags, convertibles, politicians, corn on the cob, watermelon, the pool at their house, and having to run to the hot shower from the pool and escape the freezing cold air conditioner while I was wet. Finesse shampoo, blue and white swirly coast to coast soap, and full racks of BBQ ribs. I am thankful to have those memories with my grandpa.
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"The kingdom is in you. Your job, is to with your eyes behold a person long enough until you see the kingdom in them, and then tell them what you see."

Raleigh

I am so drained at the moment that I can hardly rationalize my thoughts. So I'm not going to. I am going to lay my head on this faux-down pillow and command sleep over this dang body in Jesus name. And then at 7:15 in the morning I am going to get up, shower my brains out, go to Earth Fare to get a Kombucha, and then head to Raleigh for the day to press in with all that I've got, and hug the Carr's. I like my plan. More later.

Faith

I am remembering how much God loves the prayer of faith. "The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen." It is a beautiful and yet mysterious thing. I have seen Him so honor this cry in my life over and over and over and over. I don't think that it has a whole lot to do with me, seeing as He breathed the very desire in me from the get go. But it is an honor and a privilege to get to partake in watching Him move in the lives of the brokenhearted. He loves to show Himself as the tender father, as the one that would much rather pour out mercy and love on sons and daughters than be a strict judge. And yet we cannot control Him---this is where I get tripped up many times. Where things aren't done on my timetable. But really His timing is much better.
I am starting to understand more clearly over the last few days that the enemy is interested in destroying life in the womb. He will take any direct or sneaky or pretty much ANY hit he can take. Hardened hearts, fibroid cysts... Anything to destroy the seed. I have been blinded many, many times by the view of our nation and children. But the truth is, God loves life, and he hates abortion. In AND out of the womb. He hates when we abort things in the spirit... When we abort the purposes of God in the spirit. I am starting to get a little piece of His heart on this this morning. This is heavy stuff, but I am so encouraged at the moment, because anything you ask according to the will of the Father, and it will be done. And it is our inheritance as sons and daughters of divine promise... We are His purchased posession. He is constantly dreaming over us, and believing for us, making intercession before the throne for us all the time, always going after the one...
I wanted to conclude this with my thoughts on fathering. I know we have this teaching in the church sometimes that we have to have spiritual fathering (in the flesh) and good fathering growing up to have even a SHOT of being functional and living a life and being a healthy person. I used to believe that this was true. I no longer believe in that theory, because there are so many kids in the world that have no one to father them but Jesus, and He is able to be everything, and to carry anyones hearts through anything. "He who puts his hope in Him will never be put to shame." It is His love and the delight of His heart to father... Have a lovely day guys :)

Waiting

I was opening "Streams in the Desert" to June 28th and I felt like God told me to go to June 17th instead....

"What is the letting down of the wings? People so often say, "How do you get the voice of the Lord?" Here is the secret. They heard the voice when they stood still and let down their wings.
We have seen a bird with fluttering wings through standing still, its wings are fluttering. But here we are told they heard the voice when they stood still and had let down their wings.
Do we not sometimes kneel or sit before the Lord and yet feel conscious of a fluttering of out spirits? Not a real stillness in His presence.
A dear one told me several days ago of a certain thing she prayed about. "But," said she, "I did not wait until the awnser came."
She did not get still enough to hear Him speak, but went away and followed her own thought in the matter. And the result proved disastrous and she had to retrace her steps.
Oh, how much energy is wasted! How much time is lost by not letting down the wings of our spirit and getting very quiet before Him! Oh, the calm, the rest, the peace which come as we wait in His presence until we hear from Him!
Then, ah then, we can go like lightning, and turn not as we go but go straight forward whithersoever the Spirit goes (Exek. 1:1,20)

Vapor

Today was quite the day. It seemed to start off light and sweet, and at some point in the afternoon veered off down a slippery road that I was not happy to be a passenger on. There was a progression of brokenness that seemed to settle over me like a cloud by around 11 PM and somewhere in the middle of my 1 AM kitchen cleaning/Michael Jackson listening marathon, I cracked wide open in my impending sea of vulnerability. Helplessness. Complete lack. We are not really in control of our lives. Really. And sometimes (most of the time) I'm just so convinced that I am. Newsflash! We are not promised tomorrow. It is man made pride and arrogance to assume that we will have another day. Help us to live for today God...

Transfigure (form)

Matthew 17:2 "And he was transfigured before them. And his face did shine as the sun: and his garments became white as snow."

I thought this verse was interesting, because I found out this morning that transfigure means the same thing as transform, essentially. In Romans 12:2 it says for us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. THEN we will be able to test and approve the will of God. This must mean our minds being blown.. Not like a change of perspective.. The beautiful thing about this I am currently learning, is that we have a complete lack in our own selves of ever making it happen on our own. We are helpless without Him. When we are weak, He is truly made strong. We can feel like were at the most busy, weak, vulnerable, impossible place in life, and we can come to Him in our weakness and He will be strong. And that is encouraging, because I know that I royally suck at trying to do it my way. So have your way in my life in this today, God. Love you all, have a wonderful day.

God is working something in my among a complete lack of my own ability to control, predict, or know. It is quite uncomfortable, but working a deep dependance to take place. So have at it, God. I would rather have temporary discomfort that will work patience and character to form in the long term.

Goodness (Gracious)

All I can say at the current moment, is WOW... God is big and good and wonderful, and oh so faithful. And has always been these things, it's just that recently I have been entering in to the reality of them once again. The promise of seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living is such a reality to us as sons and daughters. Its not a far off existence. It is offered to us as our inheritance. This is a wonderful thing. There is much going on in my life/heart/head at the moment. All I can say is that it is... well... a beautiful process that is in just that... a process. Do you ever get as sick of hearing that word as I do? Well.... I can honestly say that I am enjoying this process. It is fun. It makes me happy. And thats all I have to say about that.

Ephesians 3

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace 8 which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, 9 having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, 10 that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both[a] which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. 11 In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, 12 that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.
13 In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, 14 who[b] is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.
Prayer for Spiritual Wisdom


15 Therefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, 16 do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers: 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, 18 the eyes of your understanding[c] being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power 20 which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in that which is to come.
22 And He put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be head over all things to the church, 23 which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

Good Day

Today..... Oh, today... You were good to me. Many good things happened today. I woke up in my newly renovated "cave" that I am loving more and more by the day, and had eggs and broccoli (lets not forget the butter and cheese). I spent some time reading 1 Peter and Colossians which was great, and then went to work (after another pseudo-nap). We had an unexpected party of 30 walk in and bless us with their presence at work, which I was SO thankful for. And then there were a few other surprises that came today that I was ever so grateful for... but we won't talk about those in my blog... Hence the title "mostly raw and unedited".
I have been greatly surprised and encouraged over the last several weeks. God truly is way more in control than I ever gave Him credit for. There is so much hope and expectancy and PEACE reigning in my heart right now. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever ask or think according to the power working in us. This is a good thing. He is the ultimate fulfiller of promises both seen and unseen. He is greater than our hearts, and truly knows everything. We don't have to be afraid to trust Him.. He is so worthy of our trust, and is able to keep us as we abide in Him.. If only that abiding thing were easy every day..
It seems as things are quickly shifting. I don't have the words to quite articulate what that means, but when you know, you know... If you know what I mean.. Ha ha. The joy joy joy joy is down in my heart (again) Down in my heart to stay! Well, if you are reading this, know that you are loved greatly tonight. By me, but mostly by Jesus.. Night, night.

my weekend

Yes... I need an alignment something fierce on my Corolla that is daily getting close to the homeland that it is truly called to live and dwell in for eternity. To be honest, I would rather just not get one done at all and just let the car die so I can get an Impreza... But being the responsible human being that I am, the "voice of reason" has prompted me to stick to plan A, and let the Corolla die of natural causes. Daaaang it. Now the beautiful thing right now, is that I have gotten quite the spiritual alignment over the last several weeks! God just really snapped my heart back in to the place where He wanted him.. To the place where I can feel the sound of His heartbeat again. When I am faithless, He remains faithful, and for that I am so thankful. I am starting see in the spirit much more clearly since all of this has taken place, and have been able to encourage people much more... This I like. Keep laying it on me, Jesus!
This past weekend was a whirlwind. Mandy and I rented a car and I drove her to Nashville to see her parents.. Oh, and on a side note, I did 2 things the day of the trip that I swore I would never do: go to the chiropractor and drive an American car. But of course I have been humbled in both situations. My back definitely felt better all week long, and we ended up with a 2009 fully loaded Ford Focus with a sunroof and Sirius Radio, black leather interior. I must admit that any car that has butt warmers AND satellite radio, AND only 10 miles on it is going to get the Tess seal of approval. We were sad to take her home to Enterprise.. But I would still never buy a Ford. (my daddy trained me well). So anyway, we spent the first night in Nashville with Mandy's family. It was fun going out the first night with Mandy and her sister in law Melanie in the downtown area... But I sure would never want to live there. I had a man come up to me on the street and try and put his paws all over me (he was clearly drunk) and I extended my arm quickly and told him I had a five foot "love leash" and he had better back off.. Mel was standing there with me, and when I walked off he said to Me;, "she knows she wants me."
The next morning after little sleep I headed the wrong way on I-40 E to Lexington Kentucky for Mia's wedding. I have decided that Google Maps just makes simple directions SO complicated. If they had just said "65 N, 168 miles" I would have been fine. But it said stuff like, "slight right to the east on 240 west, merge left after 500 feet." That combined with a lack of coffee sent me an hour out of the way. But I was having such a good time singing with the windows down to Kevin Prosch, I never even cared. Kentucky was great... actually, it is incredibly beautiful where we were in Wilmore. Its all green rolling hills and horse farms everywhere. I was a fan. The wedding was simple and beautiful. Mia was lovely. It was so fun to get to see everyone together for the first time in a long time. Richard and Miss Yokley had a lovely debate that I recorded on the iphone. Something I'll show them in about ten years or so.
We had an amazing drive both to Nashville, and back home. We stopped in Asheville to eat latin food, and saw like 6 different rainbows and almost died in a monsoon going down a mountain. We then went to a Bakery and had peanutbutter pie, where the cashier had to listen to my i "massage therapy center themed restaurant idea to help people in the food and beverage industry" idea. All I have to say is PAT THAI! Ask Mandy.... I was in rare form.
So here we are, back in Charlotte 1,700 miles later. I am a bit traveled out after the last few months... but we know that never lasts all that long. Last night we saw the new Terminator movie. It was incredibly well done, but I have this weird childhood attachment to Terminator 2 that keeps me from fully falling enjoying the new one to maximum capacity. And I really want to watch the second one again after last night. I will make that a goal of the week.
Well... Sorry this is so dang long. I'm usually much shorter about these writings, but again, I am in rare form. Grace and peace to everyone today.

Good Stuff

I never knew that so much could change in my heart so quickly. I should have known God was up to something. All I can say is that over the course of 2 weeks, I look and feel different. I am happy about this. finish the work, Jesus. No one can do it but you.

Psalm 139

For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

Square One

Since this is the raw and unedited blogspot, I'll tell you the REAL version of my day today. I woke up with that familiar heaviness that loves to settle over me like a blanket many days. I was plotting in my head of what adventure I wanted to undertake next in my life. Europe... India... Nepal... It was an awful feeling, to be honest. Nothing ever satisfying. I can't even talk about it most of the time with most people. People always just tell me to stop making agreements with death. Stop giving in to the enemy. It is not always that easy. We want everything to be so black and white (so do i) but there are so many gray areas that love to surround us constantly. It sucks. So I got in my car and called Richard to figure out what the hell to to. He is always the best person to call. His words reminded me when we were still sinners, God came to be with us. IN OUR SIN. Not once we figured out how jacked up we really are and got fixed. Came to dine with us in the MIDST. The thing that trips us up is that we don't really know what the thorn in Paul's flesh was. We have doctrines and sermons and theories formed (some of them valid and convincing) but the truth is that Paul asked God to take it away 3 times. Sometimes we battle and battle and battle for several seasons, and maybe even our whole lives. I think the thing that has been tripping me up the most, is that in MY head, the words many days are, "Tess, you got saved and set free... you shouldn't still be battling these things. It was okay when your mind was darkened from God and you were alienated in your sin and had no idea.. but NOW you have been set free, and you are still a mess. Look at you! ! Look at you. Most other 27 year olds are starting families and careers, and you don't have anything together! Look at you, you don't even have medical insurance. (These are all just examples of what goes on) So here I am on the phone with Richard (who is willing to be a true father by the way) reminds me that God does not love and accept me for who I think that I am. He loes me because He wants to. And when he came and cleaned me up from day 1, it had nothing to do with tess's righteousness, and everything to do with the blood of Jesus. Another thing it has nothing to do with is my opinion about the course of action He takes in my life. We are not really in control. We may think that we are. We are not. Maybe square one is beautiful and necessary again. I don't want anything to do with square 10,000 or whatever one I'm on at the time. At square one, freedom was so real that I could submit myself and feel liberty in every vein in my body. Come sweet freedom once again. I can never recover from square one.

Costa Rica

I don't quite have the time left on this WIFI card to tell each of you hello, so I'm writing an impersonal large, mass produced piece of words for you all to read. Sorry, but internet is expensive and I have yet to see a toucan.
So, here goes.
Day 1... The counter person at US Airways was sleeping on the job as I was trying to check my bags to leave for San Jose. I decided that I should aim for another person to send all of my lovely belongings to central america. I ended up with an extremely nice man from LA who did everything in his ability to accomodate us and even upgrade our seats. Problem is, Ambien man grabbed my suitcase and tried to ship it off to Columbia in to the watchful hands of Pablo Escobars remaining heritage. I was pissed, to say the least. Sleeping beauty detagged the wrong bag, and went off to retrieve my bag to correctly tag it to San Jose. Needless to say, I didnt go through security until I saw my tag.
Got to San Jose, and Max picked us up as we waded through the drobes of masked Costa Ricans, trying to steer clear of the swine flu. We took a scenic drive through the mountains to the Doubletree Resort where we were respectively handed a chocolate chip cookie, and were reminded of the 15 places we could get bar drinks, and the other 15 food stations just to make sure we ate every 2 hours. The beach here is volcanic, and the undertoe is insane. I mean, I wont even get in that water without Jorge or Antonio to protect me.
Day 2.... We upgraded our room after the AC wouldnt cool off enough, and the light shorted out almost electricuting emily. Thank God for protection. Day 2 was chill at the pool and drink mojitos and aquire 15 new underage boyfriends in the pool. One of the fathers even offered to become my father in law to his son Adrienne. No shit. Then I think i had one too many mojitos and did my impression of a monkey in the pool for all the natives. I think they even liked it.
Day 3... We drove up in to the mountains and did a 25 cable zip line canopy tour with 2 repels. I would so do that again. Pretty amazing. Oh, did I mention that we rode horses on the way up to the top, and my horse was so stupid, all he would do was eat rocks, and lick emilys horses butt! We made some american friends, a group of middle aged women that called themselves the cougars.. They were great.
Day 4.. We went to Manuel Antonio National Park and saw white faced monkeys, crazy beaches, 3 toed sloths, bats, crocodiles, and snakes. The rainforest is unbelievable. I want to live there, you can call me Tarzan from now on. We have new friends that are our age from New York and DC. We stayed up late with them last night, and Im sure tonight will be the same. They are really cool, really laid back, and we are fans. We really love it here. It is so diverse, and the people are almost as amazing as the coffee. Have to go, more to come later.

Costa Rica Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in the very southern tip of Costa Rica, in the province of Costa Rica. Somehow I had decided to mess with an extremely venomous green snake, and it had gotten in to my bedroom, and it was sitting on my bed. Even though I didn't want to, I knew I had to tell my stepdad. Even though we were all in Costa Rica, the bedroom that the snake was in was my bedroom from when I was growing up with them. Skip (my stepdad) got a large pair of pliers, and proceeded to go in to my room. I asked him if he was going to kill the snake, feeling extremely guilty at the same time, because I knew that I had been antagonizing the snake, and it really wasn't the snake's fault to begin with. Skip said, "No, I'm going to chop off the venom glands so he can't hurt anyone." As all of this was going on, my mom got home from work (at this point the scene changed to Ohio) and I told my mom that I had been antagonizing a venomous snake and that Skip was in there with pliers trying to get it. He came out and told both of us that he couldn't find the snake anywhere at one point. Scared, I peered in the room very aware that no one would have any rest until the snake was taken care of. I immediately saw the snake under the bin that holds all of my scarves (which is in my room here) and pointed it out to him. I left and went back in to the living room, and very soon after Skip came back out to tell us he had chopped off the venom glands. The strange thing, is that the snake venom began draining out of my big toes for a good several minutes. It was actually painful, but it felt good at the same time. The only other thing I can remember from the dream is that the snake belonged to a family that was keeping it in Costa Rica, because it was their beloved pet, and it was illegal to have it in the U.S. The last thing I can remember in the dream was me looking at a map of Costa Rica and Mexico. In the dream, they bordered each other. I was looking to see what the speed limit laws were.

I've been calling you to go to the city
I've been watching you every day
Now I'm paying for a one way ticket
for a ship that sails the opposite way
And you laugh and you cry
and you live and you die
cause you don't really know who you are
All alone in this world
orphan boy orphan girl
cause you don't really know who you are
Run baby run
my hands release you
baby run baby run
just as fast as you can
Run till your legs lead your heart to the real truth
You're my daughter my son
so run baby run baby run
Hear me laughing as you run from your calling
See me crying see me crying in the storms that rage
One way or another you will be going
To obey is such an easier way
And you laugh and you cry
and you live and you die
cause you don't really know who you are
All alone in this world
orphan boy orphan girl
cause you don't really know who you are
Run baby run
my hands release you
baby run baby run
just as fast as you can
Run till your legs lead your heart to the real truth
You're my daughter my son
so run baby run baby run
Run run away from me, you end up running right in to me.
Run run, run away from me, you end up running right in to me.
You're my daughter my son, run baby run.

Rain Rain go away!

Well I'm quite the terrible blogger as of late. Oh well.... you know, even the keys on my laptop are about to die? I'm for real'z. Not a whole lot coming from this end at the moment. Except that Charlotte seems more like Seattle this week. I am so over the rain I could scream. Its getting quite old, quite fast. Oh well, God must know that we need the rain, and He does know better than me. I'm coming out of a pretty rough week at the moment. I mean, I'm pretty much all the way out... Just a little more pushing to go, and I'll be completely out. Don't know how to quite explain it, but I'm almost there. Work this week has been really decent. Especially relationally with everyone at work. I mean the money hasn't been bad, but the relationship end has been awesome. So many cool things happening, and I can see how God is working in my friends at work. And me tell you, it was all him, because I was sure not out there looking for anything this week. And I like that. 100% credit to the King. No room for pride. Thats the best, don't you think? :) I'm itching to leave town again. My mom and I are thinking about going to San fran, or to San Diego or something... Not sure, will update you all soon! Peace out.

"The kingdom is within everyone. Our job is to with our eyes behold a person long enough until we see the kingdom in them, and then tell them what we see."

I am hormonally sitting in my bed trying to avoid people while doing my taxes and consuming cadbury mini eggs. I do this as a favor to everyone who encounters me on a daily or weekly basis, and pretty much to all of humanity. I figure I'd rather pout by myself than piss anyone off, as I don't think I could handle any sort of confrontation today. Plus, I have to save all of my potential drama for work tonight, right? Exactly. Well, my taxes are officially finished. Hopefully I didnt fuck them up and won't get repremanded by the IRS. I am going to take a shower now. Peace out.

Knowing in part

8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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I was reading about knowing in part prophetically. We know in part. We might have crazy promises that we have waited for in faith for 50 million years. But we still know in part and we prophesy in part. The moment that the revelation came to us may have been the most profound spiritual and emotional experience of our lives. And it doesn't discredit the revelation. His ways are not our ways. I'm mostly referring to the way events unfold in our lives. We may think that after we get a revelation from God that all these events are going to start unfolding in our lives in a certain manner. We know in part, and we prophesy in part. I know this sounds weird, but as I was reading the part about prophesies failing, and tongues ceasing, and knowledge vanishing, I was strangely comforted. I think maybe because it puts the power back on God, and less on man. It makes Him much bigger, much less easier to control. It provokes a place of uncertainty in me though, wondering why some people get healed, and some people don't. I can't say I get this. It has been baffling me the last several months on end straight. The only thing I do know is that I most certainly see through a glass darkly. I think that reference came from the way that mirrors actually looked back in the day. Men would get an inaccurate reflection when they looked at themselves in the mirror. It would give a skewed portrayal of what was really there. So then it goes to "but then I shall know just as I also am known." Wow... I wonder what that day will be like. To know like I also am known. This chapter makes God way bigger and way more uncertain, yet so grounded at the same time. He's not our genie in a bottle. We can't control Him. And just when He's moving in a certain way, and all of this amazing stuff is transpiring in our lives, Holy Spirit, who is like the wind--never knowing where its coming from or where its going--He may just take you from the rainforest to the desert in 2 seconds flat. But thank God that He is committed to the long haul, and not just the temporary. So here's a toast to not knowing. Not knowing some days what is going to happen.... such uncertainty. But we have our Father of lights who delights in his children, and in him there are no changes or shadows or turning. We can put our hope in that one thing today. That he is a good father, no matter what.

Cuban Sand Mermaid

So we are definitely having some fun down here. Probably enough fun for the whole neighborhood. We have made some friends at the hotel. (none of them is a woman) We have been hanging out with these guys since we got here (men is a better word) who I think are civilian contractors in connection with the military. They are on a job at the moment, so they aren't allowed to tell us exactly what they are doing, but they are really cool, and the guy/girl ratio is about 10 of them to one of us.. Which means we've had a lot of pina coladas and cuban cigars. And the website said that this was a bad hotel for singles! No way man. I think their entire company is staying here, and they are hysterically funny. One of them made me in to a pregnant sand mermaid holding a case of cuban cigars yesterday. We went out to dinner with 2 of them last night to a really nice italian place on the beach (which this morning I'm realizing was most definitely a date) which was slightly awkward once we were out and on the go. I thought a whole group of us was going out, but it was only us and the 2 guys we had gotten to know the best. They were sweet though, and pushed in our chairs and all that nice stuff, and were really good dates. I won't say how old they were, Lora. But I can ASSure you that there were no V-necks of skinny jeans in sight. They were as far away from metrosexual as one could venture. I think we may know the entire hotel by this point. I know they know us. We have enough one liners at this point in the game to make a full length movie. And we might.
OH. And there was one marriage proposal on the island tour. "Theresa, are you.... matrimonial? We do tomorrow. I Lovvvve you." thanks, but no thanks.

Gangstas Paradise

Well here I am, trapped in paradise again. (well, willingly submitting to it this time) I am here, it is pretty, I am happy to be here. It is very, very strange and deja vu like. I have 10 boyfriends, 6 of their names are Antonio. I got sick from a Dominican hot dog and was dry heaving at 6 in the morning. Embassy owns a private beach club about 1/2 a mile away that they shuttle us to whenever we want. I'm very happy about this. I met a man from Boston named Richard who wanted to buy me a drink. Once I realized he wanted me to drink in his condo, I was like, uhhh... no way never. There are lots of random animals and strange dogs running rampid. I think that may have been my dinner last night. The restaurant at Embassy is terrible. I will only eat the free breakfast. The coffee is GOOD. I was in so much shock that I drank 2 cups. Glory to God. Okay, I'm out. Miss you Lora!

The Kingdom is in you

"The kingdom is within everyone. Our job is to with our eyes behold a person long enough until we see the kingdom in them, and then tell them what we see."
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I heard Jason Upton say that last night. Some people thought it was kind of Universalist. I thought it was incredible. If we are fearfully and wonderfully made and breathed in to existence by our Father, then the kingdom really is within us. Everyone might not be saved yet, but I can recall a time or two (or ten) in my life, that the most prophetic words that were the most powerful came from people that did not yet know the Lord, were not over the age of 5, and didn't even know they were prophetic. We just have to take the time to really listen and respond, and then trust in the act of God speaking through them.

Slow burning flames

Well yay hurray for today. It has been quite good so far. I woke up at 9 in the morning after going to bed at like 3 in the morning, and contemplated going to the gym. Then I contemplated going back to sleep. Sleep won. I got out of bed at 11:30 and ate some apples and yogurt, then cleaned the bathroom to the point of perfection. Then I tackled my car, and half of my room. Then I clipped coupons and ate some of the soup Emily made, which was super good. Now I'm full and about to get ready for work.
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This is an excerpt from an older blog that I wrote. I thought this was cool. God gave me this a few months ago.

"Sit before the Word, and begin to let it wash over you." And this probably seems like such an obvious thing to do, but its amazing how quickly we can forget how powerful just sitting before His word is. Its so solid, so unchanging.. And as I began to do this, I have been tapping in to that well of life. I can't say its flowing full force, but I am beginning to feel a burning starting to take place like when you first light a fire. But this time I'm not so much after the huge flames that happen when you first light a bonfire. Those are the flames that quickly burn out. The fire I'm after is what happens when it has been burning for hours in a campfire, and those logs become that really intense, really hot, really hard to put out kind. They are steady and solid, and roast the best marshmallows. They may not be the most loud and flamboyant, or spitting out massive amounts of smoke.. But they are in there, and they are producing a slow, steady heat. I'm thinking this is a good thing."

Black Cohosh

Well here I am wide eyed at 1:30 in the morning. I kind of wish that I were a morning person. I'm all "in my prime" this time of night, and just kind of feel like an asshole in the morning. Or maybe thats just all day.. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. Or maybe its both. OR.... Maybe I'm really an asshole at night too, but I'm up all by myself and no one is here to cause friction. Or maybe I just said the word asshole too many times for one paragraph. What's that bumper sticker? "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks your an asshole." Anyhoo, moving on....
Today was pretty chill. Woke up and went to Bedside Baptist again. Attendance was still was low. And Paster Pillow is ready for a feather facelift. This fake down stuff just isn't cutting it anymore, my neck is killing me! I went to the gym for the 7th day in a row. It has become my release time. Get out all that frustration on the machine. Most days it works. I still couldn't quite make it to the normal mark all day though. I felt like an alien from outer space. Kind of like someone had drugged me or something. After that I went to Earth Fare to get some "herbs" to help with PMS. I don't say herbs in "quotes" because of the marryjawanna reference... its because supposedly there is some stuff called black cohosh that will level out my hormones, combined with some other herbs, and by cutting out salt, sugar, caffeine, and adding in more exercise 2 weeks before my cycle starts. WHICH means that on Friday, everything I love, I can't have. I can live without the salt... and I can make it without the sugar... its the caffeine thing that is going to be the hardest. But if it keeps me from becoming the sasquash monster, then anything is worth it...
I am leaving the country in 2 weeks. Excited doesn't quite cover how I feel. Its kind of an empty feeling though, knowing that going to a warm sunny paradise does not make things better. And I'm not going for hope of better. I think maybe to "remember" is more like it. Hopefully I'll get to feel God's presence on this trip at some point. Maybe He will surprise me. I'm not holding my breath though. False expectations breed strange children if you ask me. I can't wait to smell burnt trash.. What a weird thing to get excited about.. But sometimes that shit smell reminds you of home... in a good way...
I worked my ass off this week. 8 shifts in 8 days, 2 of them doubles. I like working. I hate having too many days off... At least if I am at work, I have to focus on work if you know what I mean. I have 5 shifts this week, and a few hair appts... I hate cutting peoples hair now a days, but I'll make an exception for a few people.

V- Day

uhhhh. dang... I feel incredibly misunderstood most of my life. I feel like a charbroiled piece of shit. Maybe someone should put me in a hotdog bun with globs of ketchup and mustard and eat me for a Valentine picnic. Don't forget the pickle relish.
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Well here it is! Vagina day. The lovely hallmark holiday that only girls care about. It really doesn't get to me, because I get to work every year, and it is a never ending source of entertainment for me. I mean guys could really give a sh#% less about the holiday. I can guarantee that the only thing that is going through their head is that they have about a 90% higher chance of getting laid by the end of the night. I'm off to work. I may return with stories. Mercy Jesus! (Pleeeease?)

Murder Mystery

2 Peter 1:5-11

"5 But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6 to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7 to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8 For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins.
10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; 11 for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

My friend Casey and I were talking on the phone yesterday and the Lord had reminded her of this passage of verses in 2 Peter. She was telling me how He showed her that before anything you have to have faith first. If you don't first have faith, you can't add any of these things in that you may desire. They build upon each other. And faith is the gateway. "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because we first must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." (Somewhere in hebrews, you can tell how much I've read my bible lately.) This is really good stuff, just thought I might share.
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Last night I went to an italian murder mystery wine dinner, which in itself is an oxymoron. When you are trying to figure out "who dunnit," too many glasses of Vallipocella is not going to help you catch the murderer. So Jimmy was the one who invited me to come to the murder mystery.. Emily and I walked in, and I was half expecting to be in a setting where everybody is neatly sitting in their seats, theatre style, with their "ONE" glass of wine, carefully checking their "killer card" and voting at the end. I thought everyone would delicately be slicing in to their roasted chicken and green beans while quiet conversation about the suspected felon was engaged. Was I right? OH NO. It was an interactive Italian potluck murder mystery, where you are supposed to dress up like the mafia, drink too much wine, eat too much orzo salad and bruschetta, and blackmail all the actors for gold coins which in turn, causes you to be the winner. It was straight up mob style, and about the best night I've had in weeks. Within 20 minutes of being in there, one of Jimmy's new friends had been decanting a great bottle of Amarone, and filled my glass up. By the end of the night, Jimmy and I were sucking the helium out of balloons, and saying"hey buddy, wanna go pick some snowberries?" AND the kicker. Jimmy's new friend, Ronnie, came up to me with a gift bag and a $70 bottle of Amarone. He said, "Go home and have a nice night with your boyfriend or girlfriends." I smiled, and thanked him. If he only knew! All in all, I had me a blast...

Help, Lord! I used to feel like I knew you. Now I don't know what I've become. But I do know that I hate what I'm becoming. So please help... I cannot keep on in the madness of my own mind. So please do... uhhhh... something!

MAC

As I just opened up my blog page, I had slightly forgotten that there was a picture of a "rock star" tampon there. It was too brilliant to pass up, with its stage lighting and all. I just got home from an extremely long night of work. The goal of this weekend is to wait on extremely high maintenance men that work/trade in high fashion. They basically rent out the whole hotel, and show off their lines for the fall, and sell to major department stores, network, etc. So what does that mean to us? The entire weekend, we get to serve the PICKIEST people on the planet. I'm talking, everything that comes out on a plate has had some sort of modification. "Can I please get that filet with no seasoning or steak butter", or "you are just such a doll, can I get some more pinot grigio sweetheart"? Now these may not seem like outlandish requests, but when they don't give you a second to think before they're sending you back to the kitchen once again for the next pain in the ass request---well---it gets a little frustrating. But on the flipside, they are extremely good tippers if you take care of them, and they have the most hilarious high end men's clothing selection around. I mean, they take the word daring to a whole new level. Well, other than working all weekend, I have nothing else to say. I have sold myself to Omaha for the rest of the weekend. So if you don't hear from me again until next week, that may be why. Other than that, tomorrow is my day to kick it in to high gear for the Dominican beach. I know crash dieting is really unhealthy, but half the time thats what everyone is doing when they say they are fasting.. So instead of labeling it fasting, I'll call it what it is. I am crash dieting until March 4th. I would love to lose like 15 pounds before the beach. But in all reality, that is like 3 1/2 weeks, and not looking promising. So, oh well.. If I get the spark of motivation, I guess I'll try and go all out. Whatever. Maybe I should just break my bathroom scale instead. Like, really smash the shit out of it somewhere. It could be liberating for a moment.... until I went out to buy a new one... Well anyway, I have to work 12 hrs tomorrow, so I'm out. Later.

Aunt Flo

I am not a happy camper today. I am sitting in bed with a pint of ben and jerry's to extinguish the flames of aunt flo's most recent visitation to my house. Not the best food choice when you're going to the beach in 3 weeks. Oh well, can't be perfect every day. And today is certainly one of those cases. The next battle is going to be the french fries at work tonight. Oh some days I abhor the food service industry, but admonish its compensation to a degree that far surpasses my irritations. All I can say is that I will most likely be a different human being in about 48 hours. Thank God for everyone that gets to be around me! Okay I'm out for now.

Soy

I am laying in bed eating part of a vegan brownie at the current moment. Not that I'm this big advocate for becoming vegan or anything. Actually, I would highly discourage a person to become vegan, unless they have some "grandioso" idea to supplement protein in to their diet besides the typical soybeans. Soy is not my friend anymore. Not only does it do weird things to my stomach, but apparently it can provide women with a dose of unnecessary estrogen which I know I certainly am not in need of. Actually, there is a girl that I know who was trying to get pregnant for years, and had been a vegetarian for years. One day, she just kinda felt like she was supposed to stop eating soy. She was pregnant within 2 weeks. So.. That was all kind of random, but hopefully informative for anyone who has been unsuccessful at getting pregnant (a category under which I am not a current member).
So I have no real plans for the day today. I am on the mend, and ready to go back to work. I just happened to have the days off that I was sick, and go back in tomorrow. I really wish I was on tonight, though. I don't like having too many days off work in a row. I get aimless, and therefore my mind goes in to a spin. This is never good, and structure IS GOOD dang it! So my goal for the day is to get some sort of reading accomplished.. I might go back to Ephesians 6 and do a silent skit about putting on the armor of God. Maybe I should get up every day, and reach in to my closet and actually physically put it on. Not only would it crack me up, but maybe it would actually work. Maybe. I need to go find a swimsuit sometime in the next few weeks for my beach excursion. Gosh I can't wait to see donkey's running in to the ocean, or a hog riding in the back of a Daihatsu Truck (a south korean brand car that isn't even legal in the US) OR to haggle down the vendors on various Dominican accessories. This time I plan on keeping my skirt on, ha ha. (I had a wrap around skirt fall off of me in a store in Sosua when I was 17, and it was literally so hot outside that I didn't even know that the skirt had fallen off!)
Well, I'm off for now for the adventure that today may hold. Grace and peace to everyone!

Control

PSALM 31

14 But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,
And from those who persecute me.
16 Make Your face shine upon Your servant;
Save me for Your mercies’ sake.
17 Do not let me be ashamed, O LORD, for I have called upon You;
Let the wicked be ashamed;
Let them be silent in the grave.
18 Let the lying lips be put to silence,
Which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

19 Oh, how great is Your goodness,
Which You have laid up for those who fear You,
Which You have prepared for those who trust in You
In the presence of the sons of men!
20 You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
From the plots of man;
You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
From the strife of tongues.

21 Blessed be the LORD,
For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
22 For I said in my haste,
“I am cut off from before Your eyes”;
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to You.
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I have come to the conclusion sometime between dreamland and right now that God really is for me. I had a dream last night that I was in Wilmington NC again, but in the middle of the dream, the scene switched to a classroom setting.. There was a man sitting in this class with me, and he told me that we were on the island of St. John. I had never met him before in my life, but I loved him deeply. It pained my heart when he told me that he had to leave St. John. He proceeded to tell me that he was going to come back for me, not to worry. In the midst of all of this, I wasn't sure if I was working or in a classroom. It was almost as if I were on a fashion committee, in a fashion/design sort of school. When I woke up, my interpretation of all of this, was first of all, the book of John is referred to often as St. John. John is the gospel of relationship. In the dream I was in a classroom setting. So I took that as learning about relationship, and how to have them. John was also the disciple that Jesus loved, the one that leaned up against him chest. The one that really understood intimacy. I haven't dug in to the rest of it yet, so I'll take insight.
Relationship is tough. Especially when you are in a season of life where the Holy Spirit seems to be irritating every area of your life and your heart. This is literally what is going on with me right now. Someone could do something that isn't even a big deal right now, and it will just annoy the hell out of me. For awhile there, I thought I was losing my mind... Now I know that I am perfectly sane. Mandy reminded me the other night that it is all about control, and the need to be in control. We (I) don't like what I don't understand, and therefore can't control. It causes me to run and to squirm, and to do everything possible to stay away from people. But the cool thing is, that God is at work. And He has been all along. It's just today that I am realizing it. And it is really cool. I heard it said recently, "Blessed are you when you realize--QUICKLY--that you're not in control of your own life and your own destiny." That is the most honest statement that I have heard in recent times. Because no matter how prophetic or charismatic of "I feel like this is going to happen in this season"----- We really don't know! We weren't ever promised tomorrow. So that would mean that God is probably challenging us to live in the now... Which I know (being a control freak of sorts) that is one hell of a hard thing to live out! But thats my challenge for you today if you are reading this. The challenge to "live in the now." Not in the "I'm gonna do this next year, and I plan on getting my bachelors in this, or go on a missions trip to Zimbabwe......." Its good stuff to reach for don't get me wrong.. But it's said somewhere that "a man plans his own way, but the Lord directs his steps." And another thing... Don't take yourself so damn seriously! God is totally for you... He is the one that seeks after you.. He remembers that you are dust.. And last but not least... HE who began a good work in you will certainly carry it out until completion.. This is a really really good thing... Have a nice day, everyone.

Roller Coaster

I have come to the conclusion that most days my life is a roller coaster.  A winding, steep, loopy, wonderful one at that.  And on some of those really crazy roller coaster days where you take the uncertainty of  almost everything in your life, and then combine it with PMS and enough progesterone to bring Hitler back from the dead, what do you end up with?  A plane ticket to a foreign country.  Yes, folks, I was having a meltdown last night at about 3 in the morning, and I bought a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic.  I go for a week on March 4th.  Non refundable.  First words out of my mouth when I woke up in my right mind were, "Oh, shit." And then I laughed at myself and reminded myself again that I'm single, and free, and will never be able to do stuff like this again once I have kids.  Well, I guess I could, but it would fall under the "child neglect" category. But as the day has progressed, I have recalled Romans 8:28.  And also feel like God laughs at me at times.. And knows me oh so well.. And for that I am more thankful than anyone could ever know.  He sees us at our best, and He sees us at our worst... we try and run away from everything, and He takes us by the hand and leads us if we will let Him.  It is such a mystery, though.. One day I can be driving in my car, asking Him to take all of me, in the midst of an act of genuinely trying to surrender my heart and my will to be like Him.  That He would be my everything, and that I would finally be able to stop wandering around in the desert of my existance.  Then 6 hours later, I can be grumbling about my life, and about how unfair it is, and about how everyone else has it so much better, and how I don't understand anything about life, and then, well, buying plane tickets to foreign countries (well, this one is not quite a foreign land to yours truly) And I don't think He's angry.  And I'm starting to maybe think that Philippians 1:6 might even be slightly true, though most days I've given up on that.  So to sum it all up, I am going to Juan Dolio, DR March 4-10.  I am starting to get excited, just thinking about the smell of the country that most would call "shit burning trash pit" smell.  But it is a smell that I miss, and even long for some days.  Its a funny thing, that the smell of burning trash could almost bring tears to your eyes.  But when I smell that smell, I think of freedom and redemption.  I am once again reminded that God came to set the captives free.. And still does.  I may just need to experience it again, firsthand.

Ted Haggard

I just listened to ted Haggard's message that he preached for the first time since everything went down. I must admit, I opened the link with some "Oh lets see what he has to say Im better than you kind of attitude." I ended up being taught and instructed in humility, and didn't waste a moment of my time. So I want to thank you Jesus, for Ted Haggard, I don't care what CNN says. God is in the business of reconciliation. I want to be in that business too.

2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Ashes for Beauty?

     Sometimes I think God is laughing at me. I mean, I'm sure He laughs at lots of people on many various occasions, but I mean this with much sincerity of heart, that I think He laughs at me often. And doesn't take me nearly as seriously as I tend to take myself. He isn't up there in the sky, evaluating my progress as a human. He doesn't love like that. Thank God. Ha. And I think He wants to drill in to me that its not about my ability to measure up and be successful in the world and in the church to be counted as the one He loves. He doesn't operate like that. We are made in His image, but dang we are quite far away from walking in that real revelation of just being loved, and therefore being able to receive love. He remembers that we are like grass, that we are made from dust. 

     So I don't have a ton of other stuff to tell you tonight, so I'll leave you with this... I was finishing up my night at work tonight, and this melody came to my head... I was singing it while doing my sidework.. "Take this beauty and turn it in to ashes." I kept singing it over and over, until I realized what I was saying. And then I stopped. And I thought about it for a minute. It was such a true thing that was coming out of my mouth. He gives us beauty for our ashes.. And then alot of times, we take the beauty He has given us, and try an exchange it again for ashes. And then He turns the verse around, and gives it back. and then we switch it around, and then He switches it back. So I went from singing, "I take this beauty and turn it in to ashes, I'm yours, oh God.. I'm yours, Oh God." Then it went to "Would you take my ashes and turn them in to beauty once more, oh God, once more, oh God." Then in my car I started hearing, "I have overcome the world.. I have overcome." So much truth and understanding to search out in just a few lines of a song.. I need to pull out my guitar and work on it (unless a piano graces me with its presence quickly!) So I'll let you know how it goes.  Well, I'm out for the night. No bad words for this entry, you all are so sad I'm sure! Grace and peace.

Don't read this if you don't like the F-Bomb

So I hit point this week where I got very fed up.  At everything. I could rename Ft. Mill, Ft. Hell at the moment.  No one did anything specifically, I just feel like my life and neighborhood is a circus act sometimes. I live by a fucking castle and tower! Sorry if the cussing is offensive, I just don't have better words to express myself at the moment. Some days I just want to throw a block party with a nice fat keg of Newcastle. Maybe if everyone had some beer, we'd all get over ourselves and stop playing the "us and them" game. We are all dust. So lets kick back a few together. (I'm open to other beer selections, as long as they are imports, or red wine will do just fine.) I could say so so much right now, but I will conclude with just a few words. I am ready to dive in to a sea of risk... In the core of my being, I am ready to do that. I'm praying for the wisdom to discern what that looks like. Even if it means being broke, in a van, down by the river, I'm open. So much was opened in my heart last week while in Wilmington, about all of this. I would rather die in the land of fulfillment, then to live in the misery of comfort for one moment longer. And its not this intense every day... but the days that are intense are so real, and suck so much! I am by the minute becoming so jaded to and angry about the organized church to the point that I could scream and vomit at the same time. I question so much. And it doesn't matter which one it is.. It's the American Church in general.. It makes me want to scream most of the time, and if I hear one more person suggest going to church as a recreational activity, I'm going to explode. I would rather be with Him in my car than be caught up in so much of the bullshit that I see happening. And this is just in the outer fringes of things. People screwing people over, so much sexual perversion its disgusting.. People lying about stupid shit to cover things up... I am fucking over it! So there...I'm done. I'm going to take my bi polar self to my happy place.. Peace out.

My Week

     I am laying in bed in a literal sugar coma, I think. Deborah and I had omlets and those hazelnut pirouette thingys, and I don't plan on moving from my current position for several hours (the horizontal position, that is) So what can I tell you about the week long gap imbetween blogs... Hmmmmmmmmmph....

     Last Saturday I drove (on kind of a whim) out to the Wilmington area to see one of my best friends, Casey. We hung out in her little town, and painted the laundry room in the house shes getting ready to move in to. I was very thankful to see her, even if it was only for a day or so. On Sunday morning I drove in to Wilmington to the church where the Carr's were leading worship, to be with them for about 3 days. It was so good to be there with them, on so many levels. There was a peace that seemed to rest on me after about a day or so of being there with them. A complete lack of striving, and sense of belonging. There was no Ft. Hell swirl going on, just the real deal. No "what are you doing with your life questions" or any of that... I think I started to really understand that what I do is not who I am, and once I start getting that, all guards and defenses come off, and I don't have to protect myself.. not that it works that well anyway... (or maybe its that its worked too well for too long, and its just not a healthy thing) so I started to notice a change in myself over that 3 days that no matter what was going on, I didn't feel the need to strive, that I could just BE... It was such a huge relief.  Which brings me back.... to.... 

     Ft. Hell... What the heck am I still doing here?  I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking and waiting on God about it, and really hoping He checks His email soon. Haha.. I am a little over the familiarity of all of it, and really want to be somewhere that feels new again.  So well see what happens... Im not like super unhappy or anything... I just feel unfulfilled on so many levels, and disconnected... But whatever, well see.. I'm ready for some adventure... So Lord, your will be done...

     Em is coming to live with us for a few months on Tuesday. I'm excited to see her, and see what the next few months unfolds for us. My brain is retarded right now, so Ill write more later on when I can give you a better synopsis.. Grace and peace to you all!

Oatmeal Cookies

     So I have decided that the only thing better than my mom's oatmeal cookies is MAKING them. Which is what I'm highly considering doing this lovely (cold) Carolina evening. Yes, I know its almost 1 in the morning, but I am a night owl, and am choosing to take advantage of it... So maybe I will plug Mr. Laptop in to my lovely kitchen speakers and have a time. (or maybe not, I will let you know tomorrow.)

     Work tonight was awesome. I was in and out in 4 hours, with not one slight altercation with either a customer, employee, boss, or anything. Maybe it was from the woman who "randomly" laid hands on me in the hotel bathroom while I was tucking my shirt in for work.. Who knows? But there was much peace in the midst of a quite chaotic night. Thank GOD. 

     I took advantage of my lovely Planet Fitness membership again today. I actually went there today, because I was literally so mad about something that had transpired over the last few days, that I needed to take my aggression out something. It was a good plan, and now hopefully the chocolate cake won't show up. 

     I am leaving on Saturday (Lord willing) to go to Wilmington to be with 1/2 of the Carr's. I am stoked like a Cuban Cigar at the thought of it. AHHHHH! 

     I have a nasty gash in the side of my right thumb at the moment. It hurts, and Neosporin isn't helping. My hands just get so dry in the winter that they split open for no reason... Only my mom probably understands this like I do.

     Well, I'm off to make something in the kitchen. Pray for mercy on those cookies... Later.

ISFP

I'm apparently an ISFP according to the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test. I think I am living up to the "I" status this week quite well. I'm very chill, and extremely uninterested with much social interaction. The glass this week has most definitely been half full, but not in a despairing kind of way. I feel more in a state of life assessment which has its moments of regret, but also its moments of glory. With that being said, I'm finished for the moment.. I'm going to the kitchen for a bowl of Kashi, then I'm hitting the gym to get a head start on swimsuit season. Peace.

Silence

I am learning the value of silence.