I am writing this entry tonight with a heavy heart and an extremely tired brain. I try not to take myself too seriously on such little sleep, but would most likely feel this way still on 8 hours, even though I only had 3.
I don't know exactly know where I am going with this, so I might jump all over the place.
Life right now is actually really good. I am loving Wilmington, loving the beach, loving friends, enjoying just being. I have been more at peace over the last 2 months than I can remember in years. I have been finding that there is no striving in real love, and when I started to really get this, rest and peace were the product. Since coming to this place gradually, the smell of religion has become even more potent and unappealing than ever before in my life. I have been able to look back on the last several years (that were very necessary to walk through) and get a glimpse of what I want in my life, and other things that I am absolutely sure I want nothing to do with. Much of this has to do with the very form and structure that once brought me freedom but now sickens me to even think about walking back into.
Most importantly, I have gotten another glimpse of the real thing. Its that pure and undefiled love of God that washes me over and over and over, and walks right by my side, right where I'm at, no matter what people say... This is so great to me, because thats why He says to do the things you did at first. He loves us right where we are at, and knows that we have no ability to change on our own or fix our own lives. We get to go through the ebbs and flows of the mountains and the valleys, and they are ALL good.. Not just times that feel good.
I guess the heaviness of heart tonight comes from my own human inability to understand why things happen the way they do sometimes. My friend Casey is the one on my heart tonight. Just as quickly as she found out she was pregnant, she miscarried within 3 days. My human brain doesn't comprehend this stuff. It offends my mind and hurts my heart, yet draws me further in to the heart of God who is really the one in control of our lives, not us. I become foolish the moment I begin to think that I am really in control of my life. We are not promised tomorrow. That can be a scary thought some days. We are however, promised to never be left or forsaken. When my trust and love and hope are wrapped up in that place is where the peace will begin to take over.