Wednesday, December 31, 2008

5:51 AM

It's 5:51 AM.  I have the sniffles. (a cold, not real tears) I miss my long hair today a lot. i have a newfound broccoli obsession in my life. And a newfound appetite... for food.. err.. maybe I have a tapeworm? I have just been hungry all day long, dang it! Did I mention that I want my long hair back? Bahhh! 

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm Home

     Sorry for the lack of updates over the last week. Its not that my life is boring, I just didn't have WiFi at my parents house, and was too busy to hit up Panera.. Gosh.. This week has been.. a roller coaster to say the least. I am still processing all that has been going on in my heart, and am just trying to let the Lord have His way in my heart, that I might not lean on my own understanding. I think its easy to lean on our own understanding in situations, but so often I think we only have a piece of the puzzle... So I am doing my best at setting my heart before Him, and leaning on Him as my Father, and just trying to let Him love me, I guess. 
     I guess the piece of understanding that I do have if I were to sum up my week, is that sometimes going back is painful.  And sometimes there is much going on at work in us that causes us to be even more provoked at times.. (even over small things seemingly.. sometimes our family knows which buttons to push better than anyone). I can't say that I had a bad week... It was overwhelming at times.. Other times it was awesome.. If you are reading this blog and want to know more about what was happening, I will be glad to expound, but this thing is a little too much for some of that if ya know what I mean... But it was a lot.. And I am thankful to be back in Charlotte. I will write more later, but I need to get to sleep so I can get up and drink coffee and catch up with the girls.. Have a lovely night to all.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ice Ice, Baby!

The title says it all.  Yes, ladies and gentleman, I just slammed my car in to a wall.  All parties involved are fine. (Aka, me and the wall... neither of which have medical insurance at the current moment) I am sitting at the lovely hotel with Elvis the small dog that I am tolerating (you all know how fond I am of small dogs...) most of them to me are just like overgrown rats, but I'm kind of enjoying the King.  He jumped up on me when I woke up and snuggled with me and gave me sweet Christmas puppy loving. I was quite happy. Now I'm getting ready to eat again (for the 20th time today) or should I say nibbling.. there have been random plates of assorted pastries lying around all day, and after much mental deliberation, I gave in to the "I will not eat crap" battle. I guess its not a battle worth fighting the day before Christmas. I wish you could all see my ridiculous snowboot/crazy tight/dress combo I have going on at the current moment. It is unique to say the least. But its fun, and its totally me. I just found out that I get to go to Wilmington the 3rd week of January to be with the Carrs. I'm beyond happy. Well, Angie and I are going downstairs for wine and macaroni and cheese. Have a wonderful evening!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Baby its cold outside!

Well, the title says it all.  It is a mere 16 degrees in dreary dayton, Ohio tonight folks.  Thank God it is supposed to warm up over the next few days.  I don't think my Carolina-thinned blood can handle this shanannigans for much longer.  All I have to say right now is that I am completely spent.  I caravaned up here with Jenna this morning at around 6 something AM after 3 something hours of tossing and turning.  I checked in to the hotel and ALL I wanted was a shower, and it was broken.  Some kind man came up and fixed it for me.  That wouldn't have normally gotten to me, but when I haven't had good sleep, everything is likely to make me curl up my lower lip like a 5 year old who missed naptime for the millionth consecutive day.  Other than a long day and bad sleep, I am extremely grateful to be alive.  I mean, I am seriously so thankful to the Lord for the little things right about now.  I really have nothing to complain about.  I should probably just enter His gates the way He tells us to, right?  So with that said, more later.. Im gonna go put on the garment of praise (aka, unpack my suitcase and literally find a colorful garment) and get ready to see my dear friends tonight.. I love you all.. To those in Ohio, I am excited to see you.. To those in the Queen City, you are dearly missed already.  Cheers.

Friday, December 19, 2008

"Blessed are you when you realize QUICKLY that you are not in control of your life."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Kierkegaard says.....

     My ear hurts.  Ouch.  Jesus, please make it feel better (with my bottom lip curled up, and in my most pitiful 5 year old voice without proper "r" pronunciation.) I have no idea why I'm writing so much.  I think I go between write, ramble, write, ramble.. I guess it would be a bad thing if I ever got a Blogger Stalker, since I've been writing like twice a day so much about what has been going on in my life!  I think I'm maybe a little less of an introvert than I thought I was.  I have realized that I just love to be around people. But I have to have that alone time, or I'm toast.  
     Tomorrow I must go out and get more Christmas stuff out of the way.  Shopping is really the last thing I want to do right now (this time of the year is brutal in that mall!) but I just have to get the motivation to brave the stores.. And I have to get some warm socks before I go back to Ohio.  It is so dang cold, and my feet get so cold, so fast.  In fact, I get cold fast.  I was so freezing tonight at work, that I had my hands under the heat lamps for the food until my hand was red.. Oh well, it was worth it.  
     I leave you with this thought for the night: "During the first period of a man's life the greatest danger is not to take the risk." ~Soren Kierkegaard~


  Today has been nice.  I delivered everyone their cookies, and everyone is happy.  Yay for food!  I got some QT with Kaitlin this afternoon.  We hung out with Lora in the kitchen while I baked the rest of the cookies, and then looked for books in Peter's lovely library.  I've been wanting a new book to read, so I'm starting one here soon.. Its kind of a weird and eerie feeling to have lived in a place for 3 years, and to have seen so much transition in a 1 mile radius.  I think RP has seen more transition in 3 years then most small towns probably see in a lifetime.  It seems much more businesslike and organized than it used to be, thank God.  The level of chaos around here from 2005-2008 is night and day.. Which is great, because I don't operate well under "Were doing this, no were doing that." I think that letting your yes be yes and your no be no is so underestimated and important.  I have learned much about that in recent months, and am thankful.  
  As we were taking our walk around the Cause Construction Zone (haha) I was once again thinking about the fact that I live by a castle, and a tower.  Now, I have lived here long enough that sometimes I forget that there even is a tower and a castle.. But then I remember that when people come to visit, I have to preface them a little bit, as to remind them that NO, I am not in a cult.. I got all defensive about it not being a cult when I first moved down here, but now I crack up laughing, because most of my friends are extremely down to earth and amazing.. We just happen to live in a bizarre neighborhood.. 
  Last but not least, my time with the Lord has taken a continual turn over the last several days to the revelation that were not alone.. Its the entire gospel.. Its pretty much summed up in the 3 words, "You're not alone." I wrestle with that one alot.. Sometimes I feel very alone.. Very alone in the midst of people that I know love and care about me.  I think sometimes we just have to walk in that place of brokenness to know what it means to be full.. We never know what it looks like to experience true joy without having gone through trial.. The thing that sucks, is that we hate going through trial, and think that it couldn't possibly be the will of God.. Which is also a lie... We (I) just have to give ourselves over to the journey, and to the process.. We will never "arrive," and just when we think we have arrived, God gives us something else to wrestle with, if we are willing.. And sometimes, even if were not willing, He will give it to us anyway.  God says "The trial of our faith is more precious than gold."  I want to know what that means... Anyway, sorry to cut this short, but I'm off to sell beef...


     What a crazy couple of days.  I think the best way to explain what to title them is "raw, divine ambushing." Completely unexpected.. Never knowing when He's going to show up.. But He keeps getting me in my car..  Its just been so incredible.. And its not just this wave of joy.. Its actually really painful, but I can feel the real true Spirit of Adoption deep in my bones... It is real.. lasting.. He breaks off rejection of my life, by saying that I'm His daughter.. I so easily lose sight of that. But the more I start to lean in to His Heart, I start to soften... Its so crazy.. I can't ever recall feeling more vulnerable, weak, and soft than I do right now.. So I guess I just say, keep on keepin' on, God.. 

Saturday, December 13, 2008


     Well, here I am again, blogging at 3 in the morning... I was just hitting my head to my increasingly worn down pillow and decided to let out my heart while it's fresh with love.. It was an awesome day today. I spent the morning doing Avery and Tay's hair, which was awesome.  It was so good to see Chan and Tay.. They are so precious.. It breaks my heart to watch them be the ones that pay for choices that they have no control over.  I believe so strongly though, that they are a word sent down from Heaven, and every word that comes down does not go back up until God has his way... They have hope to be carriers of Gods heart, and Gods love.. God doesn't forget one word that was prayed over them.. None of it was ever in vain.  God is at work.  He loves those little girls.... I love them too.  
     We all hung out at Michelles tonight.. It was funny.. I seemed to lose all my cooking skills tonight.. Bizarre.  I couldn't even get pizza dough to get in to its lovely pie-like formation. I was rendered utterly useless, and left thanking God that Michael likes the art of pizza making.. Maybe it was my lack of sleep..  Or maybe I need to ask the Lord to draw the Italian out of me immediately! Oh well, I've mastered spaghetti, so I'll count my losses and move on with my life...
     We all got in to this hilarious (Peter lead) discussion on the "guy bar" of standards that girls have to meet for men at different stages throughout their lives.. It was fun, informative, and downright hilarious. I am seeing the wisdom of God so much in Him giving us more of what we need than what we want. And He loves the mystery and unveiling everything in His timing, not in our own.  It is a choice and a huge risk to choose to love.. It is scary, vulnerable, but so rewarding and worth it.. I have so many thoughts on this subject of "love and risk," but I have to get some sleep for now.. Goodnight, everyone!

Friday, December 12, 2008


So much can change in 6 hours.  I just got a message from Casey, one of my best friends, that her dad passed away early this morning.  If you are reading this, she would love prayer I am sure of it.  I feel kind of in a state of sleepless vulnerable shock right now.  She had suspected this would happen eventually, but not now, not this soon.  It stirs up this anger in me of course, because of seeing my own dad die of the same thing.. It makes you realize that we really are a vapor.  We aren't promised tomorrow.  God doesn't owe us tomorrow.  Even in knowing that statement, and hearing it a thousand times, it doesn't make it any less real when it happens.  I can also look and see the hand of God in all of this.. If I lift myself up high enough to see the aerial view, I can see so many more awnsers in regards to the timing of Casey and Casey getting married, the amazing healing that I have seen wash over her since they got married.. I could go on for so long.  It makes me really want to trust Jesus with my whole very life.  And I can.. So can you..
So today I leave you with this... Remember that you are like a flower of the field.. Here today, and gone tomorrow.  Love today, love the here and the now, and don't live in regret.  God is not distant.  All we have to do is call on him, and surrender.

Insomniac Part 2

Well, here I am again.. This time at 7 in the morning with no such luck at the sleeping thing.  I think it happens to me when my mind is thinking a lot, and also when the Lord wants me to pray.  I think this time its equal parts of both.  But one thing I dislike about being awake this early is that I'm really hungry, but I have nothing good to eat at home right now.  AND I have no desire to enter the wonderful world of Griday morning Charlotte rush hour traffic to make my way to one of the few desirable breakfast establishments that the QC has to offer.  So I'll leave you with a random list of things that I wish to do before I die.. In no particular order.

1.  Climb all 27 waterfalls in Santiago.
2.  Visit Santorini, and stay for at least a month.. And while I'm there, I want to live in one of the blue and white houses and Greek dance at least once an hour. (might need Anna's help on that one)
3.  Live to see God's finished work in my family. (this is not an if thing, but a when thing)
4.  See U2 in Europe.
5.  Eat a blowfish, and live to tell the story.
6.  Go back to Poland.
7.  Get the recipe for that house garlic dressing from Flavors Eatery.. (I will get it, I swear!)
8.  Learn another language fluently.
9.  Have the word hidden in my heart completely.
10. Play capture the flag in a European castle.. Oh, yeah...

Thursday, December 11, 2008


     Its 3:37 in the morning.  Do you know where your kids are?  Ha.. Im a slight insomniac tonight.  Partly by choice, partly a fluke.  I'm very glad I stayed up tonight though, because I got to talk to my sister Marysa for awhile on Facebook chat.. And as impersonal as chat can be sometimes, at other times I am grateful to have a line of communication when things are hard to talk out on the phone. It was good to even talk to her for the 15 minutes that we got.. For that, I would stay up another 24 hours and get no sleep.  Some things are just worth losing sleep over, ya know?
     I worked tonight.  I love the holiday season at my job.  Mostly because we get to change up the God awful lighting a bit, and make it look more cozy and inviting.. I've really been getting in to all the songs and santa hats, and Elf watching this year. I feel like a 5 year old in a lot of ways. And like it... Hey, were supposed to become like little kids if we want to inherit the kingdom, right? Well, why not start on the job.  I was waiting on one of my regulars tonight, Mr. Gentry.. And he was telling me about the night in his life that he consumed the most Jack Daniels (some nights that I wait on him, he's spent like $140 in JD) He said he drank on of the big bottles.. I was like, "Is your liver okay?" He said, "My livers great! Its huge! I can touch any part of my body and feel my liver!" He's such a character.. I love to wait on him.. If he has his friend Skip with him, they will totally do Beavis and Butthead impressions back and forth.. Its so funny, because they are well dressed businessmen.. It just makes me smile.
     Im still in the process of working on all of my Christmas stuff to take back to the homestead.. I'm trying to get really creative with everything this year. So far, Marysa is the only one I've bought anything for.. And its a really cool gift...
     Last but definitely not least... God is so cool.  He never leaves us.. He's been speaking to me all week about Hosea, and how he went and took a wife of unfaithfulness.. And no matter how much she cheated on him and went after other lovers, he still went after the woman he loved. I so often times find myself relating to Gomer.. Running after other lovers that I think will satisfy.. But God told me that he is going to unfold in my life before me, like the book of Hosea.. a work so deep that I will be in awe, because I already know I didn't earn or deserve it.  Such cool stuff.. Big God.. Bigger than I grasp as I write this.. Well, its 4 in the morning.. I need to sleep.. Love you all... Sleep tight, world!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I love the light at the end of the tunnel.  Just when I don't think it is coming, it pops up and covers me like a blanket.  It is true.. undeniable.. lovely... I think what happened, is that God is really more in control of my life than I thought He was.  I got this awesome revelation that has been sustaining me over the last few days.. The best way I can describe it is absolute purity.. I feel so clean, so pure.  And its so cool, because it really has nothing to do with my ability to attain purity, or cleanliness... Its because if God chooses to show mercy and bathe us in His blood, well.. He can pretty much do what He wants.. He is God. He is BIG.. He is pure.. He is clean.. He can do whatever He wants to me, even though I don't deserve it.  So this afternoon, I was getting ready for work, and I just kept speaking over myself over and over in true belief as God's daughter, "I am pure, I am pure, it is so good to feel pure." The cool thing is, that its not about the feeling. Its in the reality of the statement, that I AM PURE... Because God made me clean. Washed me and made me whole. Its a good revelation to ask for. The saying is so true... "Feel clean, live clean... Feel dirty, live dirty... Feel pure, live pure..." 
I have gotten another simple (yet profound) revelation on prayer this week.. God hears, and awnsers.. There might not be a whole lot of wind on some of those prayers, but it doesn't make them any less effective... Very cool.. Have a lovely night, to all..

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Today I bathe in regret.  Over so many things that I "could have, should have." They have been piling and piling for quite awhile..  Finally when you let them pile high enough, the hope of fixing all the messed up stuff seems unlikely. I don't feel hopeless, just overwhelmed by my own failure and inability to do anything right sometimes, it seems. I can't even say that I really know the right way to walk right now.  I want to walk uprightly.  I don't know that I know what that means anymore. I don't know the difference anymore between "prophetic" or just speaking what already is over somebody. So many things that just don't make any sense to me at all right now. So I guess my prayer right now, is "Sorry God, please break in." 

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Well, I'm better now.  Thank God.  I am going out today to look for Christmas presents.  I want to do something cool this year for Christmas.  I have a few ideas in mind, hope they work out.  I have an interesting pomegranate obsession lately.  I think I've eaten about 10-15 of them in the last 5 days.  I keep on saying, they're only in season once a year!  So I'm gonna keep on a keepin on... Love and peace to y'all... (I am southern now, you know...) But Ohio brought back my native northern spice.. (Hallelujah)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


I'm feeling a little better about life in general today.  A little bit.  Yesterday topped the charts of "top ten days I never want to have again." I don't really have a whole lot to say other than that.  I am praying that I don't fall in to that rut that I seem to be subject to once every several months.  The last time I was really in one was about 6 months ago, and I'm not about to go there again.  Well, a good day to all.  I'm going downstairs now for my 1:40 PM breakfast.  Cheers.