Friday, January 30, 2009

Roller Coaster

I have come to the conclusion that most days my life is a roller coaster.  A winding, steep, loopy, wonderful one at that.  And on some of those really crazy roller coaster days where you take the uncertainty of  almost everything in your life, and then combine it with PMS and enough progesterone to bring Hitler back from the dead, what do you end up with?  A plane ticket to a foreign country.  Yes, folks, I was having a meltdown last night at about 3 in the morning, and I bought a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic.  I go for a week on March 4th.  Non refundable.  First words out of my mouth when I woke up in my right mind were, "Oh, shit." And then I laughed at myself and reminded myself again that I'm single, and free, and will never be able to do stuff like this again once I have kids.  Well, I guess I could, but it would fall under the "child neglect" category. But as the day has progressed, I have recalled Romans 8:28.  And also feel like God laughs at me at times.. And knows me oh so well.. And for that I am more thankful than anyone could ever know.  He sees us at our best, and He sees us at our worst... we try and run away from everything, and He takes us by the hand and leads us if we will let Him.  It is such a mystery, though.. One day I can be driving in my car, asking Him to take all of me, in the midst of an act of genuinely trying to surrender my heart and my will to be like Him.  That He would be my everything, and that I would finally be able to stop wandering around in the desert of my existance.  Then 6 hours later, I can be grumbling about my life, and about how unfair it is, and about how everyone else has it so much better, and how I don't understand anything about life, and then, well, buying plane tickets to foreign countries (well, this one is not quite a foreign land to yours truly) And I don't think He's angry.  And I'm starting to maybe think that Philippians 1:6 might even be slightly true, though most days I've given up on that.  So to sum it all up, I am going to Juan Dolio, DR March 4-10.  I am starting to get excited, just thinking about the smell of the country that most would call "shit burning trash pit" smell.  But it is a smell that I miss, and even long for some days.  Its a funny thing, that the smell of burning trash could almost bring tears to your eyes.  But when I smell that smell, I think of freedom and redemption.  I am once again reminded that God came to set the captives free.. And still does.  I may just need to experience it again, firsthand.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ted Haggard

I just listened to ted Haggard's message that he preached for the first time since everything went down. I must admit, I opened the link with some "Oh lets see what he has to say Im better than you kind of attitude." I ended up being taught and instructed in humility, and didn't waste a moment of my time. So I want to thank you Jesus, for Ted Haggard, I don't care what CNN says. God is in the business of reconciliation. I want to be in that business too.

2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ashes for Beauty?

     Sometimes I think God is laughing at me. I mean, I'm sure He laughs at lots of people on many various occasions, but I mean this with much sincerity of heart, that I think He laughs at me often. And doesn't take me nearly as seriously as I tend to take myself. He isn't up there in the sky, evaluating my progress as a human. He doesn't love like that. Thank God. Ha. And I think He wants to drill in to me that its not about my ability to measure up and be successful in the world and in the church to be counted as the one He loves. He doesn't operate like that. We are made in His image, but dang we are quite far away from walking in that real revelation of just being loved, and therefore being able to receive love. He remembers that we are like grass, that we are made from dust. 
     So I don't have a ton of other stuff to tell you tonight, so I'll leave you with this... I was finishing up my night at work tonight, and this melody came to my head... I was singing it while doing my sidework.. "Take this beauty and turn it in to ashes." I kept singing it over and over, until I realized what I was saying. And then I stopped. And I thought about it for a minute. It was such a true thing that was coming out of my mouth. He gives us beauty for our ashes.. And then alot of times, we take the beauty He has given us, and try an exchange it again for ashes. And then He turns the verse around, and gives it back. and then we switch it around, and then He switches it back. So I went from singing, "I take this beauty and turn it in to ashes, I'm yours, oh God.. I'm yours, Oh God." Then it went to "Would you take my ashes and turn them in to beauty once more, oh God, once more, oh God." Then in my car I started hearing, "I have overcome the world.. I have overcome." So much truth and understanding to search out in just a few lines of a song.. I need to pull out my guitar and work on it (unless a piano graces me with its presence quickly!) So I'll let you know how it goes.  Well, I'm out for the night. No bad words for this entry, you all are so sad I'm sure! Grace and peace.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Don't read this if you don't like the F-Bomb

So I hit point this week where I got very fed up.  At everything. I could rename Ft. Mill, Ft. Hell at the moment.  No one did anything specifically, I just feel like my life and neighborhood is a circus act sometimes. I live by a fucking castle and tower! Sorry if the cussing is offensive, I just don't have better words to express myself at the moment. Some days I just want to throw a block party with a nice fat keg of Newcastle. Maybe if everyone had some beer, we'd all get over ourselves and stop playing the "us and them" game. We are all dust. So lets kick back a few together. (I'm open to other beer selections, as long as they are imports, or red wine will do just fine.) I could say so so much right now, but I will conclude with just a few words. I am ready to dive in to a sea of risk... In the core of my being, I am ready to do that. I'm praying for the wisdom to discern what that looks like. Even if it means being broke, in a van, down by the river, I'm open. So much was opened in my heart last week while in Wilmington, about all of this. I would rather die in the land of fulfillment, then to live in the misery of comfort for one moment longer. And its not this intense every day... but the days that are intense are so real, and suck so much! I am by the minute becoming so jaded to and angry about the organized church to the point that I could scream and vomit at the same time. I question so much. And it doesn't matter which one it is.. It's the American Church in general.. It makes me want to scream most of the time, and if I hear one more person suggest going to church as a recreational activity, I'm going to explode. I would rather be with Him in my car than be caught up in so much of the bullshit that I see happening. And this is just in the outer fringes of things. People screwing people over, so much sexual perversion its disgusting.. People lying about stupid shit to cover things up... I am fucking over it! So there...I'm done. I'm going to take my bi polar self to my happy place.. Peace out.

Friday, January 23, 2009

My Week

     I am laying in bed in a literal sugar coma, I think. Deborah and I had omlets and those hazelnut pirouette thingys, and I don't plan on moving from my current position for several hours (the horizontal position, that is) So what can I tell you about the week long gap imbetween blogs... Hmmmmmmmmmph....
     Last Saturday I drove (on kind of a whim) out to the Wilmington area to see one of my best friends, Casey. We hung out in her little town, and painted the laundry room in the house shes getting ready to move in to. I was very thankful to see her, even if it was only for a day or so. On Sunday morning I drove in to Wilmington to the church where the Carr's were leading worship, to be with them for about 3 days. It was so good to be there with them, on so many levels. There was a peace that seemed to rest on me after about a day or so of being there with them. A complete lack of striving, and sense of belonging. There was no Ft. Hell swirl going on, just the real deal. No "what are you doing with your life questions" or any of that... I think I started to really understand that what I do is not who I am, and once I start getting that, all guards and defenses come off, and I don't have to protect myself.. not that it works that well anyway... (or maybe its that its worked too well for too long, and its just not a healthy thing) so I started to notice a change in myself over that 3 days that no matter what was going on, I didn't feel the need to strive, that I could just BE... It was such a huge relief.  Which brings me back.... to.... 
     Ft. Hell... What the heck am I still doing here?  I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking and waiting on God about it, and really hoping He checks His email soon. Haha.. I am a little over the familiarity of all of it, and really want to be somewhere that feels new again.  So well see what happens... Im not like super unhappy or anything... I just feel unfulfilled on so many levels, and disconnected... But whatever, well see.. I'm ready for some adventure... So Lord, your will be done...
     Em is coming to live with us for a few months on Tuesday. I'm excited to see her, and see what the next few months unfolds for us. My brain is retarded right now, so Ill write more later on when I can give you a better synopsis.. Grace and peace to you all!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Oatmeal Cookies

     So I have decided that the only thing better than my mom's oatmeal cookies is MAKING them. Which is what I'm highly considering doing this lovely (cold) Carolina evening. Yes, I know its almost 1 in the morning, but I am a night owl, and am choosing to take advantage of it... So maybe I will plug Mr. Laptop in to my lovely kitchen speakers and have a time. (or maybe not, I will let you know tomorrow.)
     Work tonight was awesome. I was in and out in 4 hours, with not one slight altercation with either a customer, employee, boss, or anything. Maybe it was from the woman who "randomly" laid hands on me in the hotel bathroom while I was tucking my shirt in for work.. Who knows? But there was much peace in the midst of a quite chaotic night. Thank GOD. 
     I took advantage of my lovely Planet Fitness membership again today. I actually went there today, because I was literally so mad about something that had transpired over the last few days, that I needed to take my aggression out something. It was a good plan, and now hopefully the chocolate cake won't show up. 
     I am leaving on Saturday (Lord willing) to go to Wilmington to be with 1/2 of the Carr's. I am stoked like a Cuban Cigar at the thought of it. AHHHHH! 
     I have a nasty gash in the side of my right thumb at the moment. It hurts, and Neosporin isn't helping. My hands just get so dry in the winter that they split open for no reason... Only my mom probably understands this like I do.
     Well, I'm off to make something in the kitchen. Pray for mercy on those cookies... Later.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I'm apparently an ISFP according to the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test. I think I am living up to the "I" status this week quite well. I'm very chill, and extremely uninterested with much social interaction. The glass this week has most definitely been half full, but not in a despairing kind of way. I feel more in a state of life assessment which has its moments of regret, but also its moments of glory. With that being said, I'm finished for the moment.. I'm going to the kitchen for a bowl of Kashi, then I'm hitting the gym to get a head start on swimsuit season. Peace.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


I am learning the value of silence.