Thursday, May 7, 2009

Square One

Since this is the raw and unedited blogspot, I'll tell you the REAL version of my day today. I woke up with that familiar heaviness that loves to settle over me like a blanket many days. I was plotting in my head of what adventure I wanted to undertake next in my life. Europe... India... Nepal... It was an awful feeling, to be honest. Nothing ever satisfying. I can't even talk about it most of the time with most people. People always just tell me to stop making agreements with death. Stop giving in to the enemy. It is not always that easy. We want everything to be so black and white (so do i) but there are so many gray areas that love to surround us constantly. It sucks. So I got in my car and called Richard to figure out what the hell to to. He is always the best person to call. His words reminded me when we were still sinners, God came to be with us. IN OUR SIN. Not once we figured out how jacked up we really are and got fixed. Came to dine with us in the MIDST. The thing that trips us up is that we don't really know what the thorn in Paul's flesh was. We have doctrines and sermons and theories formed (some of them valid and convincing) but the truth is that Paul asked God to take it away 3 times. Sometimes we battle and battle and battle for several seasons, and maybe even our whole lives. I think the thing that has been tripping me up the most, is that in MY head, the words many days are, "Tess, you got saved and set free... you shouldn't still be battling these things. It was okay when your mind was darkened from God and you were alienated in your sin and had no idea.. but NOW you have been set free, and you are still a mess. Look at you! ! Look at you. Most other 27 year olds are starting families and careers, and you don't have anything together! Look at you, you don't even have medical insurance. (These are all just examples of what goes on) So here I am on the phone with Richard (who is willing to be a true father by the way) reminds me that God does not love and accept me for who I think that I am. He loes me because He wants to. And when he came and cleaned me up from day 1, it had nothing to do with tess's righteousness, and everything to do with the blood of Jesus. Another thing it has nothing to do with is my opinion about the course of action He takes in my life. We are not really in control. We may think that we are. We are not. Maybe square one is beautiful and necessary again. I don't want anything to do with square 10,000 or whatever one I'm on at the time. At square one, freedom was so real that I could submit myself and feel liberty in every vein in my body. Come sweet freedom once again. I can never recover from square one.

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