Wednesday, June 8, 2011

searching for a homeland

I know this is the day of the week that my post that is supposed to be wordless. But considering the fact that I blog like once every two months, and our current situation, I probably have plenty to say. Let me preface this with the obvious... I am blessed beyond measure. Blessed with a husband that is incredibly wonderful, one that makes my heart so happy. He is not part of my rant... But our current situation is. I am so incredibly frustrated right now. We have had one hell of a time trying to find a place to live, to no avail. Either we find something amazing and no one calls us back, or when we find a place that seems like it might be amazing it turns out to be a dump or a scam and the KICKER? We MOVED in to a place 40 minutes away last week south of Ft. Worth only to end up moving out within 24 hours. Yes, you read that correctly. After I spent 12 hours packing, unloading, even scrubbing the bathrooms from the crap that the previous tenants had left (and the landlord had failed to clean after they left) Unpacked all of our kitchen appliances, set up the house and within 24 hours John called to tell me that our landlord was psycho and we were moving out TODAY. It turned out to be one hell of a fiasco of moving twice (both ways) 2 days in a row, 40 minutes away. Somehow the Lord put supernatural grace on me for those 24 hours and enabled me to not only leave the house better than we found it, but also to forgive them, pray for them, and bless them. This was a week ago and I would probably pay $ for that same attitude (if we had any, I might have to substitute with a BB&B gift card) Ultimately I am so thankful that we did not stay in that house. If John had moved the shop in to the house already, we would have been in a world of trouble. And not to mention if we had stayed there we would have had to deal with (God bless her) Doris for the next year of our lives which would make for an unhappy wife, and an even more unhappy husband (I have never seen him actually angry at anyone until she happened).....
So that leaves me to the present day. We are currently back at John's parents' house until we find a solid place to live in Ft. Worth. (and let me preface you with this, I am very thankful to have a place to stay) John has a job, and I have enormous amounts of free time on my hands that has never proven to be good for me. I know 5 million things that I could do to occupy my time that would be more worthwhile than what I am currently doing, but have hit a wall of frustration and am not doing any of them. It is an incredibly frustrating feeling to have the desire to want to try and build a life with your husband but feel like everything is on hold at the moment with no hopes of being able to move anywhere until July. Even though we have a side of the house that is pretty much our own, it is extremely hard to have the desire to want to build something solid with your husband in your own home, and not be able to. It is super hard not being able to get a job right now, since we are 40 minutes away from where we will be moving. (I tend to crumble in the absence of structure)
Other thoughts that have crossed my mind? Maybe God doesn't want us in Ft. Worth. Maybe he doesn't want us in Texas for that matter! Who knows? I am bad a the guessing game, and am apparently lacking in discernment at the moment. We pray every time we start looking for places to live that God will lead us to the right place, and if we are not supposed to be there, that He will shut the door. So this is an extremely exhausted me declaring that I am out of answers. We want to be where God wants us. Whether it's Texas, or Tennessee, or freaking Arkansas for that matter. We want someplace to call home. So this is me begging the Lord to show us where home is.


Lora said...

praying for y'all, my friend. love you. i heard this quote the other day: "HOME IS WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS". :) so, you're home when you're with your man. love you girl! lora

Casey Lauren said...

The first year of our marriage was spent living on "Easy St." which, by the way, couldn't have been more of a contradiction. Someone was actually shot and killed there last year. I'm not joking. I thought I was going to die (literally) living there, and took an entire year before we got out. I still ask God why He made us stay there for so long, and then I remember all of the children. Some had mothers in jail, and they would come to our house everyday to get popsicles. This planted the seeds for adoption and foster care and now I see that. Anyway, I love you and hope you get your home soon! God has a plan!