Tuesday, June 14, 2011

the grass is always greener...

Over the last several weeks there has been slowly brewing in me the desire to be many different places in the world. It began to stem from our moving frustrations when our dear friends from across the nation and globe would leave us little comments saying, "You can always come here." It is a funny thing how you can perceive the place of invitation in a time of being extremely frustrated with the place you currently located.

I have found myself many days dreaming of the times where I used to wake up last summer and go to Wrightsville beach just after the sun came up and go for walk, or even just to dip my toes in the warm water since I knew "I may not live here forever." I have spent much time dreaming about the mountains of Tennessee, and the love and support that I know surrounds us there when we eventually arrive. After the many suggestions of Seattle, I have gone back in time in my memory to the day that I practically picked all the fruit off of the italian prune tree at Union Hill and made "Stu." This current week, my heart has been set on Alaska with the possibility of beautiful mountains, clear blue pools beneath them, and pure fresh air to take in all day long.

Last night I had a dream that John and I flew to Germany. Actually, in the dream I knew we were in Germany, but once we were actually in Germany, it turned in to Seattle. (I love how you don't need time or space or boarding passes in dreamland!) Everyone I knew was there for the most part. Literally almost everyone! I was very happy about this in the dream, until I realized the conflict that started happening among everyone. I am not even sure what it was all about, but there was my family fighting with someone else's family, it was all just literally just a bunch of chaos. I knew in the dream even though I was in a place where I knew everyone and it was in the middle of beautiful Europe and Seattle that it was, in a word: CONFUSION.

The me several years ago would have woken up from one of those traveling dreams wondering if God was leading me (now us) to a new destination. Let me rephrase that. The me several years ago would have been wondering if God was leading me (now us) to a destination more appealing and less painful than the current situation. The second theory would be the much more truthful statement, actually. Because the heart of the matter is that we (humans) hate pain, don't like situations that cause you to grow in extreme patience, and are really good at fantasizing life situations that would be very different if we were to walk them out. I am not suggesting that God has not called us to Tennessee at some point (that could be tomorrow, that could be in 2 years). Right now, (today, June 14, 2011) God has called John and Therese to walk through a less than desirable situation in Dallas, Texas. Am I thrilled about where we are at the current moment? Not so much. Do I think that moving to one of the many places in my mental list would change everything? Absolutely not.

The point that I am trying make, is that the grass is truly greener on the other side. 90% of the experience in my own life proves this theory to be true. Wilmington is, yes, beautiful in the summer. It has ocean and flowers and sand and waves and many people that I love and adore. It also held many tears, many trials, and much heartache. It was only at the end of that heartache IN Wilmington when I had walked through the fire, and was ready to totally give up on everything- that God broke through, and broke me down, to the point where I could do nothing else but allow the Holy Spirit to move in me. But none of that transformation took place outside the fire. In fact, I am often too quick to give God credit for the times that He "took me out of the painful place" and put me back in the place of great joy. The truth is, that place where I was transformed was when He was burning the impurities out of my life. So maybe I am going to alter my prayers a bit today. I think before it would have been more a long the lines of "pull us out of the fire QUICKLY GOD!" This morning I am thinking that the more appropriate prayer is to ask Him to simply bring us through the fire.

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