OH the joy...

It's been awhile since I've been on here.. I just got home from Ohio a few days ago after being there for a week. It was good to see everyone. I guess I would have to label the time under the "bittersweet" category, though. I feel the distance, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't think day to day contact necessarily fixes growing up, and growing apart. I feel it in so many relationships in my life right now. I feel like I am living in a movie some days.. Like I'm this fictional character walking around and observing reality, but unable to live inside reality. Some days I wonder if that is my destiny. To be able to peer in only so far, but never pass the threshold and never truly enter in. The thought of it spits me out like a rushing river in to a sea (or stagnant pond) of regret. And then I float and try and tread through the "shit" water and then end up sinking in to the mud. But this time, I have come to realize that I have gone through this cycle so many times that one day I half expect God to leave me in my pile of shit, to be eaten by whatever passing animal walks by. Sorry so graphic, its the only way I can explain it at this point. But I'm hoping that one of these days, I will be thrown off of my somewhat "roller coaster" of an existance and be able to be of some use to people, and not just be a failure. This is not a self pity session, this is just my current reality. Well, other than that, I need another job. I can't handle only like 25 hrs a week.. I need to be more busy, I'm losing my mind. (and I need more money to support my hummus and cheese habit..) Well, have a good night to all...