I am writing this entry tonight with a heavy heart and an extremely tired brain. I try not to take myself too seriously on such little sleep, but would most likely feel this way still on 8 hours, even though I only had 3.
I don't know exactly know where I am going with this, so I might jump all over the place.
Life right now is actually really good. I am loving Wilmington, loving the beach, loving friends, enjoying just being. I have been more at peace over the last 2 months than I can remember in years. I have been finding that there is no striving in real love, and when I started to really get this, rest and peace were the product. Since coming to this place gradually, the smell of religion has become even more potent and unappealing than ever before in my life. I have been able to look back on the last several years (that were very necessary to walk through) and get a glimpse of what I want in my life, and other things that I am absolutely sure I want nothing to do with. Much of this has to do with the very form and structure that once brought me freedom but now sickens me to even think about walking back into.
Most importantly,  I have gotten another glimpse of the real thing. Its that  pure and undefiled love of God that washes me over and over and over, and walks right by my side, right where I'm at, no matter what people say... This is so great to me, because thats why He says to do the things you did at first. He loves us right where we are at, and knows that we have no ability to change on our own or fix our own lives. We get to go through the ebbs and flows of the mountains and the valleys, and they are ALL good.. Not just times that feel good.
I guess the heaviness of heart tonight comes from my own human inability to understand why things happen the way they do sometimes. My friend Casey is the one on my heart tonight. Just as quickly as she found out she was pregnant, she miscarried within 3 days. My human brain doesn't comprehend this stuff. It offends my mind and hurts my heart, yet draws me further in to the heart of God who is really the one in control of our lives, not us. I become foolish the moment I begin to think that I am really in control of my life. We are not promised tomorrow. That can be a scary thought some days. We are however, promised to never be left or forsaken. When my trust and love and hope are wrapped up in that place is where the peace will begin to take over.

Tax Day (aka Lora's birthday!)

Happy Birthday Lora! Normally April 15 is a rather grim day for the general American majority but your birth makes it much sweeter. And so does the fact that I spent months pretending that my taxes didn't exist in fear of owing a ton of money, and then getting back $600. I'm a pretty happy camper about that at the moment.
This week has been great so far. I have decided to just be thankful through the good the bad and the ugly, and with each passing day I have been waking up with a heart that is more and more full of love, nothing that I can explain, nothing I did anything to earn. That is the most incredible thing about grace is the moment that we are brought back to the place where we realize that it is truly free, and that there is no amount of striving or good behavior that we could ever do to earn it. So I am reveling in that revelation of true grace that I knew so well back in the beginning, and also in my $600 surprise. Okay, well I'm off to work again. Later!

Access 9

Well hello to everyone that actually reads my random blogs that I post almost never. Life is good at the moment. I woke up this morning with the motivation to detail clean the entire house. I felt quite accomplished. I even got that hidden spot in the fridge that almost all people ignore even though they know it is accumulating massive amount of God knows what with each passing day. NOW I am currently sitting at beach access 9 at Wrightsville. I am having a blast squeezing sand between my toes while gazing at the water until I have to get ready for work. Oh yes, and I watched "A Perfect World" for the first time in years... Lora if you are reading this, you would love this movie. It's with Kevin Costner.. One of my favorites as a little kid. My sweet friends went back to Charlotte today, and my Drea left me to finish recording her album for another 3 1/2 weeks. Work is going great so far, I have made way more moola than I thought I would for my first week on the floor. I really like the people I work with, which makes life so much happier. I have been having the itch this week to travel to some crazy exotic island in who knows where... But that happens about this time every year.. Maybe next trip will be Santorini or somewhere in Sicily. Well I'm going to quit daydreaming for the moment and go wash off all the sand for work. If you are reading this, you are DEARLY LOVED today. New mercies are so sweet.

Blessed is the man who has a Chik-Fil-A in every section of his town. His quiver will be full of soft serve ice dream cups. Yes, I did just say that. Go me!

I am thankful for hair that hits my bra strap.

Psalm 32

This Psalm, especially verses 7-9 have been my lifesaver this week. He will counsel us with His eye on us if we let Him.

1 Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. [more] 2 Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. [more]
3  For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. [more] 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah [more]
5  I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, I will confess my transgressions to the Lord, and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah [more]
6  Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him. [more] 7 You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah [more]
8  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. [more] 9 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you. [more]
10  Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord. [more] 11 Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! [more]
 

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English Standard Version
2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers