Help, Lord! I used to feel like I knew you. Now I don't know what I've become. But I do know that I hate what I'm becoming. So please help... I cannot keep on in the madness of my own mind. So please do... uhhhh... something!

MAC

As I just opened up my blog page, I had slightly forgotten that there was a picture of a "rock star" tampon there. It was too brilliant to pass up, with its stage lighting and all. I just got home from an extremely long night of work. The goal of this weekend is to wait on extremely high maintenance men that work/trade in high fashion. They basically rent out the whole hotel, and show off their lines for the fall, and sell to major department stores, network, etc. So what does that mean to us? The entire weekend, we get to serve the PICKIEST people on the planet. I'm talking, everything that comes out on a plate has had some sort of modification. "Can I please get that filet with no seasoning or steak butter", or "you are just such a doll, can I get some more pinot grigio sweetheart"? Now these may not seem like outlandish requests, but when they don't give you a second to think before they're sending you back to the kitchen once again for the next pain in the ass request---well---it gets a little frustrating. But on the flipside, they are extremely good tippers if you take care of them, and they have the most hilarious high end men's clothing selection around. I mean, they take the word daring to a whole new level. Well, other than working all weekend, I have nothing else to say. I have sold myself to Omaha for the rest of the weekend. So if you don't hear from me again until next week, that may be why. Other than that, tomorrow is my day to kick it in to high gear for the Dominican beach. I know crash dieting is really unhealthy, but half the time thats what everyone is doing when they say they are fasting.. So instead of labeling it fasting, I'll call it what it is. I am crash dieting until March 4th. I would love to lose like 15 pounds before the beach. But in all reality, that is like 3 1/2 weeks, and not looking promising. So, oh well.. If I get the spark of motivation, I guess I'll try and go all out. Whatever. Maybe I should just break my bathroom scale instead. Like, really smash the shit out of it somewhere. It could be liberating for a moment.... until I went out to buy a new one... Well anyway, I have to work 12 hrs tomorrow, so I'm out. Later.

Aunt Flo

I am not a happy camper today. I am sitting in bed with a pint of ben and jerry's to extinguish the flames of aunt flo's most recent visitation to my house. Not the best food choice when you're going to the beach in 3 weeks. Oh well, can't be perfect every day. And today is certainly one of those cases. The next battle is going to be the french fries at work tonight. Oh some days I abhor the food service industry, but admonish its compensation to a degree that far surpasses my irritations. All I can say is that I will most likely be a different human being in about 48 hours. Thank God for everyone that gets to be around me! Okay I'm out for now.

Soy

I am laying in bed eating part of a vegan brownie at the current moment. Not that I'm this big advocate for becoming vegan or anything. Actually, I would highly discourage a person to become vegan, unless they have some "grandioso" idea to supplement protein in to their diet besides the typical soybeans. Soy is not my friend anymore. Not only does it do weird things to my stomach, but apparently it can provide women with a dose of unnecessary estrogen which I know I certainly am not in need of. Actually, there is a girl that I know who was trying to get pregnant for years, and had been a vegetarian for years. One day, she just kinda felt like she was supposed to stop eating soy. She was pregnant within 2 weeks. So.. That was all kind of random, but hopefully informative for anyone who has been unsuccessful at getting pregnant (a category under which I am not a current member).
So I have no real plans for the day today. I am on the mend, and ready to go back to work. I just happened to have the days off that I was sick, and go back in tomorrow. I really wish I was on tonight, though. I don't like having too many days off work in a row. I get aimless, and therefore my mind goes in to a spin. This is never good, and structure IS GOOD dang it! So my goal for the day is to get some sort of reading accomplished.. I might go back to Ephesians 6 and do a silent skit about putting on the armor of God. Maybe I should get up every day, and reach in to my closet and actually physically put it on. Not only would it crack me up, but maybe it would actually work. Maybe. I need to go find a swimsuit sometime in the next few weeks for my beach excursion. Gosh I can't wait to see donkey's running in to the ocean, or a hog riding in the back of a Daihatsu Truck (a south korean brand car that isn't even legal in the US) OR to haggle down the vendors on various Dominican accessories. This time I plan on keeping my skirt on, ha ha. (I had a wrap around skirt fall off of me in a store in Sosua when I was 17, and it was literally so hot outside that I didn't even know that the skirt had fallen off!)
Well, I'm off for now for the adventure that today may hold. Grace and peace to everyone!

Control

PSALM 31

14 But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,
And from those who persecute me.
16 Make Your face shine upon Your servant;
Save me for Your mercies’ sake.
17 Do not let me be ashamed, O LORD, for I have called upon You;
Let the wicked be ashamed;
Let them be silent in the grave.
18 Let the lying lips be put to silence,
Which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

19 Oh, how great is Your goodness,
Which You have laid up for those who fear You,
Which You have prepared for those who trust in You
In the presence of the sons of men!
20 You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
From the plots of man;
You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
From the strife of tongues.

21 Blessed be the LORD,
For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
22 For I said in my haste,
“I am cut off from before Your eyes”;
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to You.
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I have come to the conclusion sometime between dreamland and right now that God really is for me. I had a dream last night that I was in Wilmington NC again, but in the middle of the dream, the scene switched to a classroom setting.. There was a man sitting in this class with me, and he told me that we were on the island of St. John. I had never met him before in my life, but I loved him deeply. It pained my heart when he told me that he had to leave St. John. He proceeded to tell me that he was going to come back for me, not to worry. In the midst of all of this, I wasn't sure if I was working or in a classroom. It was almost as if I were on a fashion committee, in a fashion/design sort of school. When I woke up, my interpretation of all of this, was first of all, the book of John is referred to often as St. John. John is the gospel of relationship. In the dream I was in a classroom setting. So I took that as learning about relationship, and how to have them. John was also the disciple that Jesus loved, the one that leaned up against him chest. The one that really understood intimacy. I haven't dug in to the rest of it yet, so I'll take insight.
Relationship is tough. Especially when you are in a season of life where the Holy Spirit seems to be irritating every area of your life and your heart. This is literally what is going on with me right now. Someone could do something that isn't even a big deal right now, and it will just annoy the hell out of me. For awhile there, I thought I was losing my mind... Now I know that I am perfectly sane. Mandy reminded me the other night that it is all about control, and the need to be in control. We (I) don't like what I don't understand, and therefore can't control. It causes me to run and to squirm, and to do everything possible to stay away from people. But the cool thing is, that God is at work. And He has been all along. It's just today that I am realizing it. And it is really cool. I heard it said recently, "Blessed are you when you realize--QUICKLY--that you're not in control of your own life and your own destiny." That is the most honest statement that I have heard in recent times. Because no matter how prophetic or charismatic of "I feel like this is going to happen in this season"----- We really don't know! We weren't ever promised tomorrow. So that would mean that God is probably challenging us to live in the now... Which I know (being a control freak of sorts) that is one hell of a hard thing to live out! But thats my challenge for you today if you are reading this. The challenge to "live in the now." Not in the "I'm gonna do this next year, and I plan on getting my bachelors in this, or go on a missions trip to Zimbabwe......." Its good stuff to reach for don't get me wrong.. But it's said somewhere that "a man plans his own way, but the Lord directs his steps." And another thing... Don't take yourself so damn seriously! God is totally for you... He is the one that seeks after you.. He remembers that you are dust.. And last but not least... HE who began a good work in you will certainly carry it out until completion.. This is a really really good thing... Have a nice day, everyone.

Roller Coaster

I have come to the conclusion that most days my life is a roller coaster.  A winding, steep, loopy, wonderful one at that.  And on some of those really crazy roller coaster days where you take the uncertainty of  almost everything in your life, and then combine it with PMS and enough progesterone to bring Hitler back from the dead, what do you end up with?  A plane ticket to a foreign country.  Yes, folks, I was having a meltdown last night at about 3 in the morning, and I bought a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic.  I go for a week on March 4th.  Non refundable.  First words out of my mouth when I woke up in my right mind were, "Oh, shit." And then I laughed at myself and reminded myself again that I'm single, and free, and will never be able to do stuff like this again once I have kids.  Well, I guess I could, but it would fall under the "child neglect" category. But as the day has progressed, I have recalled Romans 8:28.  And also feel like God laughs at me at times.. And knows me oh so well.. And for that I am more thankful than anyone could ever know.  He sees us at our best, and He sees us at our worst... we try and run away from everything, and He takes us by the hand and leads us if we will let Him.  It is such a mystery, though.. One day I can be driving in my car, asking Him to take all of me, in the midst of an act of genuinely trying to surrender my heart and my will to be like Him.  That He would be my everything, and that I would finally be able to stop wandering around in the desert of my existance.  Then 6 hours later, I can be grumbling about my life, and about how unfair it is, and about how everyone else has it so much better, and how I don't understand anything about life, and then, well, buying plane tickets to foreign countries (well, this one is not quite a foreign land to yours truly) And I don't think He's angry.  And I'm starting to maybe think that Philippians 1:6 might even be slightly true, though most days I've given up on that.  So to sum it all up, I am going to Juan Dolio, DR March 4-10.  I am starting to get excited, just thinking about the smell of the country that most would call "shit burning trash pit" smell.  But it is a smell that I miss, and even long for some days.  Its a funny thing, that the smell of burning trash could almost bring tears to your eyes.  But when I smell that smell, I think of freedom and redemption.  I am once again reminded that God came to set the captives free.. And still does.  I may just need to experience it again, firsthand.